Thursday, April 14, 2011

Birth 'plan' fail

A few weeks before Carina was born I shared with you our birth wish list. It was a compilation of all of our hopes and preferences for the delivery of our baby. Right after Carina was born I looked at this list and felt like a failure.  Why?  Because I need more than one hand to count the number of the things that went contrary to our wishes:
  • I had my water broken
  • Carina and my uterus were monitored continuously with an obnoxious device which made my contractions feel more painful
  • I had a continuous IV and blood pressure monitor which made my arm fall asleep on occasion
  • The epidural ended up being my best friend rather than feared enemy
  • Pushing anywhere other than on my back was not an option, as I couldn't feel one of my legs
  • I let them give me the shot to facilitate the detachment of the placenta
While I was so ecstatic to have my perfect little baby, I had a hard time viewing my labor experience positively.  I feel like I let down those who believed in my ability to have an intervention-free birth.  I felt ashamed...and I can't even pinpoint why.

Looking back to those first few days after Carina's birth I feel sadness for myself, in that I wasn't able to realize that despite the fact that nothing went as I had hoped it would, everything was fine.  My baby was healthy.  I was healthy.  I didn't have any complications.  Nothing had been traumatic.

I spent the first few days of her life feeling bad about not being able to check off all of the bullets on my list.  How sad is that?  I guess the moral of the story is to have your preferences or 'wish list' but do not beat yourself up if things don't end up as you hoped.  Easier said than done, right? :)

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9 words of geekdom:

Mike said...

What Mama G didn't say, and never would because she is just so awesome, is how well she handled all of the changes in course of our little peanut's birth. I have never been more proud or more in awe of someon.e that I was when she took a moment to gather herself in light of everything just as she was being admitted, and then went on fearlessly and with grace to bring our beautiful little girl into this world about eighteen hours later.

Ladies ( I don't think men other than me read this), Mama G is quite a woman, and she's not bad looking either ;)

- M

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mari2003 said...

Mike is too sweet Momma G and I think you need to listen to what he is saying. At the end of the day the birth plan is just a wish list, Things happen and things never go according to plan especially birth. Have you seen my birth story. So not what I had hoped for either. But I think I handled it well. The only thing that matters is that Carina was born safe and that you have healed nicely. Oh and that she is perfect and precious too!

MV said...

I felt the same way having an unplanned c/s :( I'm still upset about it and can't believe that's how my baby was born. Just know that what you're feeling is normal. Carina is beautiful and healthy and I'm sure you're a great mama! (((Hugs)))

Sarah :) said...

Aw geez, Mike, you made me cry. Mama G is a remarkable woman, and I am so proud of her, not only for handling Carina's birth with grace, but for handling life in general the same way.

Great advice, Missie. I hope someone will read it and take it to heart.

pinkflipflops said...

The birth plan I am making is seriously, checking yes and no's from my midwife. The only things that will annoy the piss out of me if they are ignored? My/our desire to keep our birth just ours. We do NOT want anyone there and if I have to have a c-section I do NOT want anyone but my husband to hold her until I can. Those are my only two sticking points. Otherwise, however she gets here.. she gets here and I will be extremely happy. ;)

Mama G said...

@Mari - yes, I read your birth story, and I am so sorry things went down the way they did. I am so happy you and your boys are okay <3

Reading stories like yours is what makes me feel bad about my previous disappointment in mine.

Shannon said...

OMG your husband is amazing...what a thoughtful thing to write! And honestly, I don't know anyone IRL who is able to look back on their birth and say to themselves that it went exactly as planned and exactly as they wanted. Mine didn't, and I barely had a birth plan.
Don't beat yourself up for being or not being disappointed, you are entitled to your feelings, embrace them :)

Sarah and Derek said...

Hi Mama G! Glad you stopped by my blog. I do read yours once and a while too. Isn't it so funny how many things go differently than you expect? So glad that our little ones are happy and healthy though!

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