Weaning of another kind

Not long ago I wrote about my failed attempt to wean off of Zoloft. I don't think I'll try that again for a while, but unfortunately another type of weaning has become a possibility; Aurelia doesn't want to nurse much anymore. She seems to prefer to gulp it down from a sippy cup. While this is surprising, considering how Carina was a boob fiend until she was 15 or so months old, what was more unforeseen was how completely okay with it I am.

Carina kicked the habit when she was 18 Months old because my milk mostly dried up (I was 6 months pregnant). I cried. I sobbed. Even knowing I'd be breastfeeding another baby in just 3 months and change, I was still devastated. I was so afraid our relationship would change.

This time? Meh. If anything, I'm kind of looking forward to being done. Pumping everyday has become a chore. I'm going to continue doing it until she turns 1 (three more months to go) because it's important to me that she gets a year of breastmilk, but there's no sadness at the prospect of not nursing her for much longer.

I'd rather have a beer ;)

I feel bad, though. Guilty. Why is it so different this time?

Now that I think about it...Aurelia has never nursed for comfort. She doesn't reach for my chest after falling down or bumping her head like Carina did. It's always been just food for her. And? After weaning Carina, our relationship continued on just the same. I think the fear that something would change contributed to how emotional I was prior to the end of my first nursing journey. Lastly, Aurelia is a great eater. She can't seem to shove food in her mouth fast enough. It's safe to say I'm not worried about her following in Carina's Failure to Thrive footprints.

I guess after more than 3 years straight of being pregnant and/or breastfeeding, the prospect of having my body to myself again is just a wee bit exciting.

Has anyone else felt differently about nursing the second time around?

Treading water

I was beginning to feel like we were finally adjusting to our new routine, and then the night shifts were upon us. After 5 12 hour night shifts in a row (and 4 more before that, and still 2 more to go), I am barely functioning. Watch out as exhausted ZOMBIEMOM takes a sleepy faceplant into her pizza! Yeah that almost happened tonight.

I don't know what day it is, our house is a dump, Aurelia is on a nursing strike and refuses to nap. Carina constantly laments, "Mommy has to go to work!" "Mommy working!" and even rides her little car and announces that she, too, is going to work. Neither of the girls understands why I'm in bed sleeping most of the day rather than playing with them. And we just realized we're out of food so poor Mike has to stop to pick some up on the way home from lab, now, at 10:30 PM.

This is the first time I've opened my personal computer since last Thursday. I feel so behind on everything...e-mail, cleaning, laundry, blogging; I hope I'm not forgetting to pay our bills.

But, we're holding it all together. Mike has been awesome, our Nanny is a rock star, and with a little help from Peapod and the local Pizza place, we haven't lost our minds yet. Come Friday morning, I'll be able to come back to the land of the living. I will have weekends to myself again, and then normal working hours resume on Monday. Now excuse me while I fall asleep at my computer...

"Mommy's home!"

Things our children will never experience

While waiting for my computer to connect to our wireless internet the other day, I reminisced about how long it took to successfully dialup on AOL -- err -- America Online, back in 1996. The sound of the dialing, the waiting, the screechy tones followed by static, then {quite often} failure. Then you try a different number, giddy when you finally hear the familiar "WELCOME!" and off you go to inform everyone in a super cool chatroom that you are 12/f/ma

I'm sure that Carina and Aurelia will spend their fair share of time online in the {far far away} future, but they will never experience the joy of the lightning spreading across the screen as AOL connects or the pain of having their connection interrupted by the neighbor calling the land line. Ha, $10 says they won't even know what a land line is...

I weep that they will also never get to enjoy:

• Watching and rewinding a VHS tape over and over to the point where even the tracking won't fix that messed up picture
• Talking on the phone in the kitchen in front of the whole family because the cord won't reach into the other room
• Sitting in the way back seat of a station wagon, watching and harassing the cars behind them

But that trunk seat sounds like fun, Mom!

Okay sarcasm aside, there are a few things that I really am sad that they likely won't experience, such as:

• Selling Girl Scout cookies door to door. I wish they still did this for my sake, too. Momma needs 4 boxes of Samoas STAT.
• Running around the neighborhood mostly unsupervised all day long...exploring the woods and biking to friends' houses without a care in the world.
• The old McDonald's Playland. The Grimace shaky thing rocked my world. Plastic ball pits just don't measure up.

Lament away. What joys of growing up will your kids never experience?

Yes, I'm blogging at 1:30 AM

It's my first night/morning off after having two night shifts in a row, and I don't think I have ever been this tired.

I've worked night shifts during Go-Lives before, but that was pre-children. When I got home, I could crash and sleep until the evening if I wanted to. But now? I get home at 6:30 AM, feed the baby, snuggle Carina for a few, and then attempt to fall asleep. Mike or the Nanny wakes me up to feed the baby before her first nap (or else my boobs would explode) around 9, and then again before her 2nd nap at noonish. That is, if I'm not already awake for the day by then. I think I've gotten about 5-6 hours of sleep each day so far. Not bad, but it's not uninterrupted so I sort of I feel like I haven't slept at all.

The good news is that it has been going really well so far. We've been able to solve/fix most of the issues quickly and the end users are happy. Even better news is that my boss has asked me to stay on past my original contract end date of July 19th, through September 27th. I told him I'd be willing to if we could work out some flexible hours. So now I have to decide what our ideal would be (how many hours at the office vs. at home, and how many total) and then we can talk after the Go-Live ends next week.

I'm really excited! The only downside is that our Nanny (who we love) probably won't be able to stay on if I cutback my hours too much. So we might have to explore other childcare options. We'll take it as it comes.

P.S. Night shift workers, I have so much respect for you.

Toddler Talk - "Owww my boobs!"

Since Carina seems to be obsessed, let's talk about boobs.

When I'm engorged, she'll look at me and say "Mommy has big boobs!" Ha, it's the only time I have big boobs ;)

While romping, she often elbows me in the boobs to which I reply, "ow!! My boobs!" She has begun repeating this when she falls down or gets bumped. Hearing a 2 year old yelp, "owww boobs!" makes my day. Every time.

I don't pump at home very often, but when I do, she is intrigued. She stands next to me, watches, and exclaims, "Mommy pumping!" A few times now she has climbed up on the couch after I finish, put her hands on my chest and pushed on one boob, and then the other...over and over again. "Mommy pumping!" I guess she thinks she's my manual pump?

Got any toddler boob talk to share? ;)