Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Feel like I've been punched in the gut

I thought it was rather cold for a pediatric physician's exam room. And I don't mean the ambient temperature. No toys, no books, no color...not even any covers on the electrical outlets (WTF?)

Then the nephrologist entered, glanced quickly at Carina's chart and asked, "so you're here for failure to thrive?"

BAM. Frozen. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Like I had been punched.

I thought we were there to diagnose or rule out Renal Tubular Acidosis, and told him so. "Well, yes, technically," he started, "but the underlying issue is failure to thrive, no?"

Ugh. Hey doc, can you please stop saying that? Because every time it rolls off of your tongue I cringe and then die a little inside. Sure, I'm being dramatic, but I just can't help but feel like a failure myself when you refer to my daughter as failing to thrive.

Failure to thrive my ass!

Then, for maybe the 3rd time in the last few weeks, I went through what a typical day's meals and snacks look like for Carina...feeling like I was on trial as I described each and every food that touches her mouth. Then he asked about her pacifier use and how often she breastfeeds. I honestly don't know why I was feeling so defensive the entire time.

The outcome? We can't diagnose or rule out RTA yet; the doctor ordered another urinalysis and more blood work. In the meantime we're to go see a nutritionist after I create a "food diary" detailing 3 days of exactly what Carina eats and when. This sounds like tons of fun. As if I don't spend enough time trying to get her to eat, now I need to write down everything so we can count calories. I'm just so frustrated.

He did say, though, that he doesn't think she has RTA. We talked a lot about my height & weight both now and growing up, and Mike's as well. He is leaning towards a diagnosis of being the product of two small parents who were slow to grow early on as well.

The good news? She actually gained a pound and grew an inch in the last 6 weeks. This is huge, given that she only gained a pound and inch in the previous 6 months. I'm hoping this is a trend that's here to stay.

Please let this be the end of tests for Carina, and punches to Mommy's gut.
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