Wednesday, December 21, 2011

7 ways to flambe an annoying toy

(read: My pal Violet)

Dear Mommas of the blogosphere,

M here. In the past I’ve gone sappy and written posts about just how much I love our little peanut. Those sentiments have grown and every day I love her more and more. The other thing that has grown is my hatred for a certain purple singing puppy. Who couldn’t love a puppy you might ask? Hmmm..


Let this post be a warning to parents everywhere about the toys their children might love. Once your little ones love them, there is no going back. I was told in no uncertain terms that if Carina’s pal Violet did not make it to CT from WI during our move, I would be in a world of hurt. Why do I hate Violet? You can program her to sing your kid’s name and her favorite things. Except, instead of singing them, it has to load each subject and pauses, a la Will Ferrell in Elf making up a telegram for James Caan. Oh and its voice could peel paint off a wall.

So with this in mind, here is my list of 7 ways to flambé, roast, incinerate, and conflagrate your children’s annoying toys.

1) The Old School: Burning barrel, gasoline, match. Stand by the flames at night and you can warm yourself like a hobo in winter.

2) The Nerdy Chemist: If you aren’t me you probably can’t do this. Put said vexing fluffy puppy in a two inch deep 9 X 9 baking pan. Surround with about 50 grams of pure sodium metal shavings. Place your fancy casserole outside and fill the pan with water with the hose from 20 feet away. It should be pretty spectacular.

3) The Family Gathering: Parents are seated on the couch. You, the hubby and your LO are seated around her blocks and non-vexing toys playing and having a lovely time. Violet or a toy of your choice is sitting in her/his proper place. On top of the burning logs in the fireplace.

4) The Rocketeer: This one is self explanatory. You need about fifty bottle rockets, a guide-wire to ensure a vertical takeoff, some packing tape to secure the bottle rockets to your least favorite toy, and a big match.

5) The Gremlin: If any of you have seen Gremlins, this one is basically plagiarism. Put toy in microwave, set power to high, set timer to however long it freaking takes, and enjoy the show.

6) The Nerdy Chemist II: You need a burning barrel, hydrazine, and perchloric acid. Mix the hydrazine, perchloric acid, and your kiddo’s toy in the barrel (surrounded with ice – very important, this is rocket fuel, no joke, that you are making, and it will ignite if it warms up). Get 100 yards away and shoot the barrel with a hunting rifle. It will make it to orbit and take your annoying problem with it.

7) Going out with a bang: Stretch a huge balloon around the exterior of your kid’s toy (this would be my pick since I can do it next week if I want). Fill the balloon with approximately 1:1 hydrogen gas and oxygen gas. If the balloon were pure hydrogen it would burn in a lovely fireball. This nice mixture will, instead of the pure stuff, go off with bang and a shockwave that might break a window if you get within 20 feet of your house.

It's the Holiday season and I'm guessing your children might receive a couple of these obnoxious toys,'re welcome.


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