Thursday, May 10, 2012


Mommas of the blogosphere, Mike here with a special rant on an obscene baby product ‘review’. With summer approaching, I’m sure those of you out there with little girls just can’t wait to get your babies out on the beach to enjoy the sun. I know many of you are fashion conscious for your little ones and lest you dress up your toddlers in cute tutus and floaties, there just aren’t many options for summer beach fun.

However, now no one needs to worry. You can now parade baby girl down the by the sea as the little hussy that you always hoped she’d grow up to be without struggling through those pesky teenage years first. I present you with:

The HoochieSuit! (infant and toddler sizes available)

Okay, so let’s be honest Mommas and pardon the sarcastic opening. This isn't really called a HoochieSuit. But it is real, and marketed for baby girls. My definitive and absolute judgment is that this suit is friggin’ ridiculous. I’ll be hesitant to get baby girl in a two-piece when she’s a teenager so the thought of letting her strut her stuff before she can flipping strut is just mind-blowing. Who the hell thought this was a good idea!?? What’s next? – baby butt-floss?!!! Women and girls of all ages have enough trouble with oversexed media images telling them how to slut it up on the cheap as it is, and now people are seriously trying to get parents to put their little ones in toddler pasties.

Deep breath, Mike. The fact is, I have one baby girl, and now we have little Aurelia due in September. I am realistic and acknowledge that if they want to dress like teenage and college girls do when they are those ages, I’m not going to really get in their way. With Missie as their Mom, they’ll know how to be, someday looooooong in the future, (gulp) sexy and tasteful. But I’ll be damned if I put them in something that screams “HEY UNIVERSE CHECK OUT MY HAMHOCKS” when they are in effing diapers.

Raising girls will be a challenge, but one that I welcome. I want our girls to grow up as responsible young women – they have a tremendous example in their mother. As their father, I’ll be protective and understanding, and combative as hell when I think the world is trying to put my baby girls in places and situations that draw negative attention and, let’s face it, demean women.

Okay, so I haven’t really calmed down yet, but here’s the truth. This bathing suit crosses the fine line between cute and tacky by about a light year; don’t put your girls in it. As a former colleague told me when I let him know that I would be the father of a beautiful baby girl while Missie was baking Carina:

“You know what job number one is, right? Keep her off the pole.”

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