Conflicted

I start work on Monday.

I'm excited, but nervous. Happy, yet sad. Both relieved and anxious at the same time. Hence the post title.

As soon as I was offered the job and the prospect of being away from home materialized, I realized just how badly I need a break. From tantrums, diapers, the incessant "Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy!" and the burden of being completely responsible for the needs of two living and breathing people {aside from myself} all day every day. ::sigh:: I hate admitting this...it makes me feel like a terrible Mom.

But as Carina asks to snuggle me on the couch and throws her arms around my neck coming in for a big hug, my sadness is palpable. As if on cue, Aurelia then flails her arms and squeals and I wonder how I'm going to bear to be away from them.

Snuggle Mommy!

This girl. I just can't even...

What I'm concerned about:

• When I worked Full-Time for three months during the summer of 2011, Carina barely took a bottle. I suspect that her Failure to Thrive issues stem from these months of not eating enough. Aurelia is not a fan of bottles, either, and I'm worried that history will repeat itself.

• Carina is really attached to me. To the point where when I leave to go downstairs to the basement for 2 minutes to throw in the laundry, she calls for me over and over. I think it'll be good for her to be away from me but the thought of my sad little toddler crying for me breaks my heart. I hope she likes the Nanny.


• Can my brain go from stay-at-home Mom mode to focused on work quickly? It's been quite a while since I worked with the software that I'll be modifying/updating, and I'm worried it won't come back to me easily.


• I've been feeling a lot better lately, but I have to admit I'm a little apprehensive about this all intensifying my anxiety.

Why this job is so important to us:

• I need a break. I'm with my girls all day every day and generally speaking, I love it. But, I need some time by myself. This job is currently only for 3 Months, so it might be the perfect "break" for me. There will be the option for continuing after it ends, and I'm crossing my fingers that {if I'm up for it} they will be open to part-time.


• My brain is begging to be challenged. Other than for how best to handle a poopsplosion or tantrum, I haven't had to use my critical thinking skills in quite some time. I'm eager to learn and think and produce again.


• The money I'll be making means we'll go from qualifying for government assistance (which, by the way, we never accepted) to more than doubling our annual income - for only 3 Months of work. We'll get to buy another car, go out on dates more often, save a {hopefully} hefty future down payment for a house, and maybe even go on a vacation. Simply put, we don't have to worry about money anymore. The most exciting aspect of this for us is that it means we can definitely afford a baby #3 sometime in the near future... ;)

I'm hoping this will all work out with minimal anxiety, stress, and sadness for our little family. We'll see. Here goes.