Sunday, August 18, 2013

Pregnancy; you're drunk

Let me preface this by stating that I am not currently pregnant. I knew you'd ask, so better to put it all out there.

This post isn't about the strange and unfortunate ailments with which you are afflicted during pregnancy. Nor did I write it to lament the pain of labor or the miseries of that post-partum hot mess phase.

No. I want to discuss the freakish and frustrating side effects of pregnancy that we still have to deal with even as we approach the one year anniversary of its conclusion.

If you have been lucky enough to not experience any of the below? Then you won the pregnancy lottery and I don't want to hear about it ;)

1. Unceasing hair loss

Just when you think it isn't possible to lose any more hair, you find gobs of it surrounding the shower drain or on your hairbrush. Or even worse...sticking out of the baby's diaper (how on earth did it get in there?!?) and in between her toes. When will it ever end? Oh that's right; last time it finally ended when I got pregnant again. The cycle begins again.

2. Weird new hair growth

THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY. I'm losing my hair, yet at the same time I'm finding new little tufts spring up in unwanted places. All along my hairline I have wispy curlycues popping up on a daily basis. They seem immune to hair spray and escape even the most secure clips. I haven't straightened my hair in a while because when I do they stick straight out. Should I cut them? CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, human body.

One of the random sprouts. And whoa, my forehead is wrinkly.

3. Linea nigra freakshow

The mystical little brown line that showed up early on while I was pregnant with Carina did me the favor of not reappearing this time around until a few weeks before Aurelia was born. For a while I thought it wasn't going to grace me with its presence again. Well, since the line was late in showing up it must think it's okay to hang out for a while. Aurelia is almost 11 Months old and that line is STILL there, just as dark as it was on her birthday. Talk about overstaying your welcome.

Curse you, damned dark line. And? My belly button used to be cute. Le sigh.

4. Bladder control

I still can't cough or sneeze without having to clench like the aridity of my pants depends on it. I get it, when you're pregnant you have something the size of a watermelon putting pressure on your bladder, and all goes awry. But when you shoot out that basketball and things return to normal, why can I not laugh heartily without wetting myself 11 Months later? And this gets worse after each kid, in my experience. Moms of 4+, can you even more without an errant squirt?

I know there's more, but of course I'm forgetting because that absent-minded pregnancy brain that we're plagued with eventually turns into Mommy brain, which is even worse. Lately I've been lucky if I remember to shower more than three times a week... #yuck

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