It's safe to say I'm a roller coaster, isn't it?

I'll bet that some of you were wondering how we were possibly thinking about trying for baby #2 when just a month ago I felt like I was losing myself and was suspecting that I might be suffering from postpartum depression.

Truth is, I have felt like an entirely different person since day 2 in our new home.  M isn't working 80 hour weeks. Carina hasn't been nearly as fussy as before. Tomorrow I will see some of my family for the 3rd time since our move. Being just a few hours away is an entirely different story...it's like I have an additional support system due to the proximity. We can finally unpack everything (that we had previously stored due to the short duration in our last apartment) so I am feeling much more settled. Because I know we'll be here for a while, I have the motivation to go out and make friends, have play dates, etc.

I am enjoying life again.

For this I am so thankful. I think {and hope} that what I was feeling was situational. We'll see how the next few months go.

I am so happy to be "home".

Carina snuggling with her Pepere

Losing Myself

So I had hoped that I would be feeling better by now. Instead I find myself slowly slipping away, becoming more unrecognizable by the day.

Carina wouldn't stop screaming yesterday morning when I stopped her from chewing on the TV remote control, and I just lost it. I put her in the crib with a few of her favorite toys and shut myself in my bedroom and cried.

Maybe she didn't like her giant plaid hairbow?

First I cried for her - she doesn't deserve an unhappy and apathetic Mommy.

Then I cried for me - I don't even know who I am anymore. I thought that staying home with her would fill my days with joy (and stress and poop, of course). I didn't think I'd feel like this. Am I just not cut out to be a stay at home Mom? Or is this all the result of our current circumstances?

Two weeks. We'll be out of here in two weeks. I hope I can wave goodbye to the me that I don't recognize as Carina and I board the plane to head back East.

And now for something happier

Thanks again for all of your comments and e-mails regarding the hard time I'm having right now. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your support. I'm going to see how the next few days go, and if I'm not feeling differently I plan on calling my doctor.

In the meantime I'm going to remind myself of one reason why I should be so thankful.

My peanut.

Her {almost} never ceasing smile.  The brown eyes that Daddy gave her, so big and bright. Watching her explore, discover, grow. I am so fortunate. Blessed.

We tried on her Meerkat Halloween costume yesterday evening and let's just say it was interesting. As captioned by Carina...

What is this THING on my head?

GET IT OFF OF ME!

Seriously, Mom. I am NOT feeling this.

I tried again this morning, right before we left for the local Mom group's Halloween party. Fortunately, she did a bit better! Maybe the opportunity to gnaw on tasty goodness distracted her from her costume loathing?

I'm lovin on this carrot right now

Want to get in on this?

A number of the people there weren't sure what her costume was supposed to be. I forget that not everybody watches Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet and is well acquainted with the oh-so-tiny-cuteness. When I saw this costume on sale for $4.50, I just couldn't turn it down. I don't mind having to tell people she isn't a Monkey or funny looking Lion Cub. Oh well ;)

I'm coming to get you, Mommy!

I'm not getting into mischief...

Being a Meerkat is hard work...time to crash

She laughs, and I melt.

Instant happiness.

If only she could giggle all day and night, then maybe I would feel like myself again?

Linking up with Casey Wiegand's Fall Party!

Can you get PPD this long after baby comes?

Carina is 10 months old. I don't have to wake up every 3 {or so} hours at night to feed her. She doesn't cry regularly anymore and her issues with spit up are long gone. She isn't the needy newborn that she used to be. So why does everything seem so hard right now?

Lately I am having trouble getting to sleep, and feel like crying all the time. It's almost as if I am just trying to get through each day. I'm not finding joy in anything. Most nights I can't wait to lay her down to sleep so I can have a break. But then, once she nods off I find myself feeling empty and alone {M is working all day every day to finish his thesis; I'm lucky to see him for an hour a day}.  

I have no motivation to pack for our upcoming move, plan playdates, clean, blog, or talk to friends and family. I have begun to dread going out with Carina because more often than not it results in a messed up nap schedule that makes the rest of the day a nap-strikey nightmare.

This isn't me. I'm not an empty, apathetic, joyless person.


I don't recognize myself physically or mentally.


I mean, how could anyone not be happy to spend every day with this smiley face?

Will I feel better after the move? I hope so. For now, that's what I'm going to hold on to.

I don't feel pretty anymore

My husband tells me that I'm beautiful all the time. I believe that he truly thinks I'm beautiful.

I wish that I felt as beautiful as I look in his eyes. I used to, years ago. When I had the time to straighten my hair and keep my roots touched up (I've been blonde since I was sixteen) and when my face didn't look like the Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza that I joyfully ate half of a few days ago.

On our honeymoon - I felt pretty then

I dyed my hair once during pregnancy - at the start of my 3rd Trimester, and I've touched it up twice since then. The same box of L'Oreal Feria that previously looked blonde, is now a brassy red. I'm pretty sure that pregnancy and nursing hormones are to blame here. AND, the few times I have tried to straighten my hair, it doesn't actually become straight anymore! It looks like I tried to crimp it, and that is not a good look for me {as a matter of fact I don't really think that's a good look for anyone...}

At a friend's wedding recently - my hair is not straight, nor blonde

And if that wasn't frustrating enough, it's actually falling out...in chunks. I have clogged our shower drain with gobs of my hair {not once, but twice} and maintenance has had to come to the rescue. The first time it was so bad they actually had to replace the drain mechanism (seriously??)
 

Sad lonely hairballs in the shower

So enough about my hair, let's talk skin. My complexion has almost always been a problem. My acne was so bad in Middle School that I was made fun of constantly. I tried so many different creams, medications, and home remedies, and nothing worked until Accutane. My skin looked great up until recently. Now I'm breakout central and I feel like I'm that awkward, insecure Middle Schooler all over again. I took a photo of this, too, but I just can't bring myself to post it.

I loved my straight blonde hair with just a little curl at the end and my clear, smooth skin, but now, I'm a brassy frizzy balding mess with a painful pimply face. Dwelling on this makes me feel so superficial. I have an amazing husband who thinks I am beautiful and an adorable baby, for which I could not be more thankful. Why am I so hung up on the way I look?

So now you know why I haven't wanted to go shopping; I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. This is also why I post very few pictures of myself on my blog {if you haven't noticed}...

I want to be the Me that likes the way she looks again. Help?