Pregnancy; you're drunk

Let me preface this by stating that I am not currently pregnant. I knew you'd ask, so better to put it all out there.

This post isn't about the strange and unfortunate ailments with which you are afflicted during pregnancy. Nor did I write it to lament the pain of labor or the miseries of that post-partum hot mess phase.

No. I want to discuss the freakish and frustrating side effects of pregnancy that we still have to deal with even as we approach the one year anniversary of its conclusion.

If you have been lucky enough to not experience any of the below? Then you won the pregnancy lottery and I don't want to hear about it ;)

1. Unceasing hair loss

Just when you think it isn't possible to lose any more hair, you find gobs of it surrounding the shower drain or on your hairbrush. Or even worse...sticking out of the baby's diaper (how on earth did it get in there?!?) and in between her toes. When will it ever end? Oh that's right; last time it finally ended when I got pregnant again. The cycle begins again.

2. Weird new hair growth

THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY. I'm losing my hair, yet at the same time I'm finding new little tufts spring up in unwanted places. All along my hairline I have wispy curlycues popping up on a daily basis. They seem immune to hair spray and escape even the most secure clips. I haven't straightened my hair in a while because when I do they stick straight out. Should I cut them? CRUEL AND UNUSUAL, human body.

One of the random sprouts. And whoa, my forehead is wrinkly.

3. Linea nigra freakshow

The mystical little brown line that showed up early on while I was pregnant with Carina did me the favor of not reappearing this time around until a few weeks before Aurelia was born. For a while I thought it wasn't going to grace me with its presence again. Well, since the line was late in showing up it must think it's okay to hang out for a while. Aurelia is almost 11 Months old and that line is STILL there, just as dark as it was on her birthday. Talk about overstaying your welcome.

Curse you, damned dark line. And? My belly button used to be cute. Le sigh.

4. Bladder control

I still can't cough or sneeze without having to clench like the aridity of my pants depends on it. I get it, when you're pregnant you have something the size of a watermelon putting pressure on your bladder, and all goes awry. But when you shoot out that basketball and things return to normal, why can I not laugh heartily without wetting myself 11 Months later? And this gets worse after each kid, in my experience. Moms of 4+, can you even more without an errant squirt?

I know there's more, but of course I'm forgetting because that absent-minded pregnancy brain that we're plagued with eventually turns into Mommy brain, which is even worse. Lately I've been lucky if I remember to shower more than three times a week... #yuck

The dreaded, the annoying, and the "I'm going to run you over"

Oh, pet peeves: I have many. In the interest of not sounding like a whiny brat, I'll keep it to three big ones:
  
SHORT NAP SYNDROME - when the girls fall asleep at such a time when it's inevitable that they will wake up a few minutes later, "resetting" their nap cycle. In Carina's case, this means all we'll get from her all day is that crappy 5 minute nap. Try to put her back down? Not a chance. UGH. I swear this is the story of my life when we're coming back from a play date too close to nap time. She'll fall asleep in the car and I haven't successfully transferred her to the crib in months.

When you put me in the car seat I'm going to wake up ANGRY

THE CLOSE BUT NOT QUITE - Mike has a tendency to throw his laundry on the floor...just inches away from our hamper. Or to load the dishwasher in such a way that multiple plates/cups/spoons don't get completely clean. It's really not that big of a deal unless you border on OCD {like I seem to}. I cannot stand having laundry on the floor or even worse -- a messy dishwasher. MUST.REARRANGE. I wrote a whole post about husbandly half-asseries once. Heh. I think I just invented a word.

"That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME"

SLOW WALKERS - yo, people walking ridiculously slowly in front of me: speed up, or move out of the way. I don't want to have to think when I walk and your ambling at such variant speeds has me on edge, contemplating if I need to pull back on the stroller in order to avoid clipping at your ankles. And for the love of all that is holy don't just stop when I'm right behind you or my giant Baby Jogger City Mini Double is going to run you over. And I probably won't be sorry about it.

What are your pet peeves?

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This week's Toddle Along Tuesday topic is Mommy's Pet Peeves! What things that your kids, husband, or other people do bother you? There are no rules here, except that you link up a relevant post (old or new) rather than your whole blog.


Next week's topic will be Spring Style! Show us one of your new or favorite outfits for Spring and/or one of your kid's.

The 10th Circle of Hell

I am fairly certain that had Dante come in contact with modern children's toy packaging, he would have included it as the 10th Circle of Hell in his Inferno.

I dread opening toys we receive as gifts or buy for the girls because the packaging is almost always nothing short of obnoxious. Twist ties, molded plastic, tape, string, and elastics stuck to or woven through cardboard or more plastic. Who on earth comes up with this? I speculate that none of them are parents.

4 Reasons I Hate Toy Packaging:

(Or, why I want to throat punch toy companies)

1. It's frustrating
In addition to purchasing toys to enrich and engage my daughters, I can't lie; I buy them so I can relax for a few minutes while they play. But when I attempt to rip Princess Jasmine away from her cardboard backing only to find 15 different twisty connections securing her in place and there is an impatient toddler screaming, "open it! Open it! Open it!" all the while I begin shaking with anger. And of course Carina only plays with her for a minute and then discards her, opting to throw the empty box around instead. I spent more time freeing Jasmine from her twist tie bondage than Carina did, playing with her.

My sister attempting to free one of my niece's birthday gifts yesterday - she cut her finger just after I took this

2. It can be injurious
Raise your hand if you've ever been hurt by jagged plastic or gotten a cardboard box paper cut. There have been a couple of occasions in which I have sliced my finger, cursed the invention of plastic, and then vowed to never buy another toy again.

3. It can be counter-productive
Carina lost one of her precious Princess figures last week (Rapunzel) and was quite sad. The Disney Store was having a big sale so I bought her a replacement - the Rapunzel set. As I was fumbling with the molded plastic to get the figures out, Rapunzel broke. She was wedged in there so tightly that the sheer force of setting her free snapped her plastic hair. WHY, Disney store, why? All that packaging is supposed to keep things from breaking, right?

I can feel my anxiety level rising from simply the thought of extricating the 7 dwarfs

4. It's wasteful
You don't need to put everything on display anchored by ties or tape or that ridiculous molded plastic (or God-forbid a combination of those...ugh). Our kids will beg us to buy it anyway with just a pretty picture on a box and everything thrown inside. And then we won't need to recuperate or go to anger management classes afterwards. Forget the frivolous 8 or 9th twist tie or double layered plastic; less is more. Do it up, toy companies. Parents everywhere will thank you, and likely buy more toys.


"This complicated packaging is so awesome!" said no one EVER.

This too shall pass, right?

Aurelia has changed from the baby who sleeps all the time and never cries into the baby who never sleeps and cries quite often. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. In general, she drifts off to sleep quite easily but wakes up {very upset} as soon as I put her down. What about your trusty Moby wrap, you might ask? Now she screams bloody murder and makes her annoyance known by promptly pooping through her diaper, the Moby, and my clothes underneath - this has happened not one, not two, but THREE times in the last couple weeks.

This all wouldn't be so hard if it weren't for the fact that Carina has gone from happily playing independently to grabbing my hand whenever I'm nursing the baby, saying, "get up Mommy! Get up!" and/or climbing on everything precariously. Mommy is only so fast while she's busy with the baby...

Dividing my time between the two of them has become increasingly difficult. What threw me over the edge yesterday was Carina pretending to cry while exclaiming, "Carina crying!" My guess is that she sees me running to comfort Aurelia every time she cries and is fake crying with the hope that I'll come running to her? HEART. BREAK.

And then today, I had to give Carina 3 time-outs because she wouldn't stop trying to bounce the baby in the bouncer or push her in the swing way too hard no matter how many times I told her to be gentle. She would bounce the bouncer violently, look at me, and say "gentle!" No, Carina, not quite. Then she poked Aurelia in the eye which of course resulted in an epic scream, and then she did it again. A toddler tornado ensued; I'm pretty sure that within an hour every single toy we own was on the floor, strewn about our entire apartment. It was only 3 PM but I seriously needed a drink.

TODDLER RAMPAGE!

I wish we could afford a babysitter even once a week so I could get some errands done, prepare dinner without a toddler pulling at my leg and/or baby spitting up all over me, or even nap. OMG a nap. With Mike's crazy work schedule (read: weekdays 10-11 hours and weekends 4+ hours), being home all day every day with my two little ladies and maintaining my sanity at the same time seems almost impossible.


How do you do it?

Does your baby always match?

I posted a bunch of photos of Carina rolling around in dirty socks a handful of weeks ago.

One of the comments on the post stood out to me:

"Ummm, is her outfit supposed to match? Cause it doesn't...."

Upon reading it I just laughed to myself. My eyes function, so I was well aware that the outfit didn't match. The truth? She had just taken a giant dump and got poo on her jeans, so I changed her into the first clean thing I could find. But really...does it matter? So what if I had chosen this outfit on purpose?

Or...what if she had chosen it? Carina is just now starting to show preference for one item over another. If I tell her to pick out her clothes and she brings me this purple striped shirt and flower patterned navy skirt, do I risk crushing her little heart and/or the temper tantrum that might follow and tell her "No"? Encouraging her to exert her budding autonomy followed by telling her that the items she selected are not sufficient seems like a poor exercise in independence and self-esteem.

What do you think? Do your child's clothes always match? Do you let him/her select their own clothes? Does it matter if they match? I'm genuinely curious as to what all the parents out there think about this.

Teach your kids what breasts are for

My "Teach your kids" series continues with boobs.


I so often hear the following argument against nursing in public:

"Young children shouldn't be seeing breasts, how inappropriate!" 



Whether or not you breastfeed, please teach your children that humans are mammals, which by definition, have mammary glands to feed their young. The primary purpose of breasts, which contain those mammary glands, is for feeding babies.

Little kids won't learn that breasts are also sexual in nature and something "shameful" in the opinion of some people unless one (or both) of the following occurs:
1. We tell them that they are
2. We allow them to be influenced by outside sources (TV, movies, magazines, friends) where breasts are objectified without providing them with guidance

I want my daughters to grow up knowing that while they may see cleavage busting out of every teenager and celebrity they see, and that they will hear all sorts of talk of 2nd base and motorboating {but hopefully not until they're in college or even later}, their breasts are their own. They were not made primarily for the pleasure of men. I hope that they will take ownership of their bodies and not succumb to societal pressure to think of their breasts as nothing more than sexual playthings.

For the most part, the way our society and media operates right now involves sending children the message that it is okay {and even expected} for women to flaunt their breasts and cleavage anywhere and everywhere except for when they are using them as nature intended. I find this horribly sad and confusing for the impressionable. Breasts = great! Except when there is a baby attached. Then, it's gross all of a sudden. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.

Our daughters (and sons!) deserve better. Teach them that breasts are designed to feed babies. If they see a Mother breastfeeding her baby and they ask what is happening? That Mommy is feeding her baby. Some Mommies feed their babies with their breasts, some use bottles, and some use both. Simple as that.

Teach your kids not to be dbags

I'm starting a new series of posts. Whenever something pops into my head that I think everyone should teach their kids, I'll be sharing it with you. Wait, wait! Don't run away yet.

This won't be a collection of do it my way or else I'm going to judge you, you bad bad Mommy you or I really think you should parent like this because it's so much better - look, here I'll even cite sources posts. I think hope you know by now that I'm just not that kind of person.

Rather, it will be an assortment of things that - if everyone out there had been taught - would have saved me a lot of pain, sadness, and frustration at some point in my life. And others, too, of course.

So let's begin - with my adolescent awkwardness.

Me (right) and my sisters, ca. 1996

Bad acne. Horrible braces. Scary hair. No confidence whatsoever. And to top it off? A fuzzy chickie backpack (WTF?) As you can see here I was quite the epitome of cool.

Closer up, around 1998: doesn't my Mom look good? Me, on the other hand...

I was just all sorts of awkward, and almost everyone around me let me know it. I was barked at by kids on the bus and excluded by my group of so-called friends because I {and I quote} "wasn't hot enough to get any guys". Is it sad that I still remember that 15 years later? Even my sisters made fun of me on a regular basis (we're tight now; it's all good). On my 14th birthday, a "friend" called to invite me to see Titanic in the movie theater and said she'd call me later. When I hadn't heard from her by late afternoon, I called back and her Mom told me she was out at the movies. ::gutpunch:: <~~~Yep, looking back I totally laugh at this and how dramatic I was, but in my 14-year-old mind, it was akin to the end of the world.

At times I felt like my only allies were my Mom and my teachers. Which is probably why, in retrospect, I always made homework my priority and straight A's my mission. I threw myself into my studies and tried my best to let all the taunting roll off my back. Not always so easy, though...I ended up going to see a therapist for some time. Shortly thereafter we ended up moving to a new town which gave me the opportunity to completely start over. I never looked back and things just got better and better.

So...on to my point. Teach your kids not to be little jerks. I know we can't control everything our kids do, especially when they are not under our supervision all the time, but showing them how it feels so much better to be nice to someone than to be an ass really isn't that hard or time consuming. And if you ever find out that your kids have been bullying or teasing another child? Take action. Please don't shrug it off and mutter, "kids will be kids".

I was fortunate in that I found solace in my Mom and in my textbooks. And on the bullying severity spectrum? Mine was quite mild. Many other kids have not been so lucky. I just read that a 7-year-old (7 EFFING YEARS OLD) committed suicide on Wednesday because of bullying. I can't even...

Seriously, teach your kids not to be dbags.


What was your experience like growing up? Were you ever bullied? Have your kids been bullied?

HEY UNIVERSE CHECK OUT MY HAMHOCKS!

Mommas of the blogosphere, Mike here with a special rant on an obscene baby product ‘review’. With summer approaching, I’m sure those of you out there with little girls just can’t wait to get your babies out on the beach to enjoy the sun. I know many of you are fashion conscious for your little ones and lest you dress up your toddlers in cute tutus and floaties, there just aren’t many options for summer beach fun.

However, now no one needs to worry. You can now parade baby girl down the by the sea as the little hussy that you always hoped she’d grow up to be without struggling through those pesky teenage years first. I present you with:

The HoochieSuit! (infant and toddler sizes available)

Okay, so let’s be honest Mommas and pardon the sarcastic opening. This isn't really called a HoochieSuit. But it is real, and marketed for baby girls. My definitive and absolute judgment is that this suit is friggin’ ridiculous. I’ll be hesitant to get baby girl in a two-piece when she’s a teenager so the thought of letting her strut her stuff before she can flipping strut is just mind-blowing. Who the hell thought this was a good idea!?? What’s next? – baby butt-floss?!!! Women and girls of all ages have enough trouble with oversexed media images telling them how to slut it up on the cheap as it is, and now people are seriously trying to get parents to put their little ones in toddler pasties.

Deep breath, Mike. The fact is, I have one baby girl, and now we have little Aurelia due in September. I am realistic and acknowledge that if they want to dress like teenage and college girls do when they are those ages, I’m not going to really get in their way. With Missie as their Mom, they’ll know how to be, someday looooooong in the future, (gulp) sexy and tasteful. But I’ll be damned if I put them in something that screams “HEY UNIVERSE CHECK OUT MY HAMHOCKS” when they are in effing diapers.

Raising girls will be a challenge, but one that I welcome. I want our girls to grow up as responsible young women – they have a tremendous example in their mother. As their father, I’ll be protective and understanding, and combative as hell when I think the world is trying to put my baby girls in places and situations that draw negative attention and, let’s face it, demean women.

Okay, so I haven’t really calmed down yet, but here’s the truth. This bathing suit crosses the fine line between cute and tacky by about a light year; don’t put your girls in it. As a former colleague told me when I let him know that I would be the father of a beautiful baby girl while Missie was baking Carina:

“You know what job number one is, right? Keep her off the pole.”

This baby better have a penis! ;)

"You must be hoping for a boy this time, right?"

"A boy would make for the perfect family!"

"Will you be upset if it's a girl?"

So long as deuce cooperates, we should find out whether he/she is sporting a peen or has the tell-tale three lady lines come Tuesday morning. Frankly, I am sick of people assuming that I'm going to be disappointed or even go so far as to cry my eyes out if certain masculine parts are nowhere to be found.

Hewwo in there! (Actually Carina, at 20 weeks)

I really, truly, honestly don't have a preference. I would love a little boy and all the uncertainty that would bring (I grew up with 3 sisters), but I would also really like for Carina to have a sister. And we already have all the girl's clothes and things we would need ;)

"Oh come on, I won't judge, you can tell me which you prefer."

No, really; no preference. I'm always surprised when people push. Is it that hard to comprehend? Does every pregnant woman out there need to have their heart set on pink OR blue instead of pink or blue?

And the concept of the "perfect" family sort-of bothers me. Can a family only be perfect if it consists of at least one boy and one girl? Does a family remain incomplete if the children are all girls or all boys? I think a "perfect" family is a loving family, no matter the size or sex of the people contained therein. Ha, sorry to go off on a tangent...


Tell me! Did/do you have a sex preference? What {ridiculous} comments have people made to you regarding the sex of your baby?

First World Problems: I tearfully downgraded my iPhone

I'm not going to go into detail about how frustrated I am with AT&T right now, suffice it to say that after hours on the phone with customer service and in the store, we were finally able to figure out how to combine my line and M's line into one account. We actually had to cancel M's phone number that he has had for the last 15 years, and get him a brand new one on my account (umm...ridiculous?) Anyway, our goal was to save money since things are really tight right now, and we figured it was about time to get him off of his family's plan.

What we didn't realize until after we had already canceled his number that if we kept all of our current services, the family plan was actually going to cost us MORE than it had cost individually. Lovely. So we canceled all of our texting (crazy, right?) and at that point we had just broken even. Meaning, after all the time we spent wasted and M losing his number, we were at the same price per month at which we started.

I spend most of my days at home, and when I'm out with Carina or at the grocery store, I don't really need internet access. So, I decided to "downgrade", and opted for a basic phone. I'll still use my iPhone around the house with our Wifi connection, but when I'm out and about the basic phone will work just fine. This will save us $30 a month, and every little bit helps right now. (Sidenote: I just discovered today that my awesome new phone doesn't even have CALL WAITING: hello stone age).

Bye bye iPhone

I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm sad about it. Even though I can still use the device at home, I'll miss feeling like I can be connected when I'm away. Or? Maybe it's for the best...

Ha, I did ask M if he'd install Twitter on his iPhone though, for when we go out of town ;)

One of the worst things about being pregnant

Pregnant women are faced with enduring a multitude of unpleasantries throughout their nine months of carrying they next generation. They are afflicted by morning sickness and a feeling of general crappiness for much of the time, they experience their bodies growing to {sometimes freakishly} whale-like proportions, and then they must withstand the pain of birthing their babies. On top of this? They have to deal with something else that is unspeakably tedious and frustrating...

...nosy and imposing other people.

Magically, when you become pregnant, everyone around you (including perfect strangers) will begin to throw advice, instructions, recommendations, suggestions, and even orders your way. They will also want to know every single detail about your baby's eventual life. It's as if every other Mom on the planet operates under this {obnoxious} plan: "I'm going to be nosy and ask about your feeding/diapering/sleeping plans in the hopes that they were/are the same as mine. If you respond with something else, I will defend to you my decision and tell you why yours is wrong."

Have you gotten a raised eyebrow or a smile-and-nod while answering someone's prying question yet? If not, it's probably only a matter of time... ;)

"Are you really naming your baby that?"

"Ohh...are you sure you're going to proceed with that decision?"

"Good luck, that didn't work out for anyone I know..."

Once your belly becomes larger and you're obviously pregnant, it gets even worse. "Decaf, right?" responds the barista at Starbucks when you order your Grande House Blend. And looks of horror will arise from those sitting near you when you remove your turkey sandwich from your lunch sack. "Noooooo! NOT LUNCHMEAT!" You'd think you had just bitten into a cyanide and Staphylococcus sub.

And whatever you do, better not touch up your awful scary roots that are in desperate need of attention. Because when people see those perfectly blonde tresses, the looks of disdain might be too difficult for you to bear. You know what they're saying to themselves? "Way to go, Momma, you just made certain that baby is going to come out with three heads...and a tail."

Let's not forget the comments: "are you SURE there aren't 3 in there?"

Last but not least, when you are about ready to pop, it's like the bat signal for those with delivery horror stories and tales of phantom exorcist babies that wouldn't eat or sleep for days at a time. I don't know what it is about hugely pregnant women that screams, "tell me your most terrifying pregnancy/baby story! I want to hear every gory detail before I go through it all myself!"

Now, I'm not actually "complaining" about all this...I am very slow to get offended and mostly laughed off all of the ridiculous comments and advice I received while pregnant with Carina. I truly think it's funny how much everyone else cares about your choices while pregnant and parenting decisions...


Lay them on me. What are the worst or most obnoxious things you have been told or asked about while pregnant?

Pity party for 1

I feel like crap. Really, I was never this sick when I was pregnant with Carina. I just want to sit on my big pregnant butt and eat bonbons or sleep all day long.

But I haven't been able to do either, because Carina has been unusually needy/fussy and has only been napping about 40 minutes each day. And for the last week she has been waking multiple times a night. Last night, it was 4 times. I bet you can see the bags under my eyes through the computer.

Two of our closest friends came to visit this weekend, and we were so excited to share our news with them in person. I bought a "Big Sister" shirt for Carina for the occasion. Turns out one of our other friends had already spilled the beans :(

Something is wrong with my blog comments. Since switching back to the Blogger platform, almost every post has gotten some comments using Blogger, and others using Intense Debate. And most of them have disappeared, unfortunately. I have no idea why is it is happening or how to fix it.

On top of it all, the Patriots lost.


Who wants to join in my pity party?


P.S. Toddle Along Tuesday will be back next week with the topic Parties. I couldn't get my act together in time to post tomorrow. Blah.

Holy freaking tantrum

Carina has started hysterically screaming multiple times a day. Not just when she falls and bumps her head, not only when she experiences the travesty of a diaper change, but also when she...

• gets something that she wants taken away from her (e.g. my iPhone, some piece of lint she picked up off the floor and is trying to eat, cat food)
• drops a toy
• becomes startled

I'm talking hysterical full-blown tantrum. And usually, no amount of hugging, bouncing, distracting with shiny objects and toys, or even comfort nursing {my last resort} works to calm her down.

How DARE you steal this clump of dirt I found

I hope our upstairs neighbors don't try to get us kicked out...unfortunately our walls and ceiling are paper thin :(

Any advice on how to squash these epic fits right in their tracks? I try to ignore them when it's clear that there is no legitimate reason for her screaming, but my ears literally cannot take it. Maybe leave her be in her crib until she calms down?

What ridiculous things render your baby inconsolable? {Hopefully it's not just me...}

Did my not-really-breastfeeding photo get reported?

I was going to give an update today on how cloth diapering is going since quite a few of you have asked, but then something strange happened. (side note: isn't it funny how the things in which our babies poop is such a hot topic?)

On Monday, I wrote about how I was feeling after one year of breastfeeding, and the possibility of weaning Carina. I posted a link to the blog post on my Facebook Fan Page (and if your blog posts contain a photo, Facebook automatically posts a little thumbnail of the photo). I was overwhelmed by your thoughts and advice in response to the post, so I went back to my Fan Page yesterday to comment on the link, thanking you all.

But, I couldn't find the link; it had disappeared. All of my other posts were still there. So, I tried to post it again, but Facebook wouldn't let me. It kept on saying "Something has gone wrong, sorry" when I clicked the "Post" button. I didn't think anything of it; I just assumed it was a glitch and gave up after a few tries. When I posted the link for yesterday's post about our money troubles [the next day], it worked just fine. So, I figured I'd try the breastfeeding link again. It STILL wouldn't work. Then I checked the "No thumbnail" box, and voila! It posted just fine, sans thumbnail.

What did Facebook have against my photo?


Carina isn't nursing; she's sleeping. And nothing at all is exposed. You can see more skin in any of my "Anything But Clothes" party pictures from Senior year in college. Oh yeah and please don't go looking for those...

Did someone report it? Because I can't imagine why else the link and thumbnail would disappear, and then Facebook wouldn't let me post it again. I know Facebook has been buggy lately, but it let me post links and thumbnails for other blog posts, and it even let me post the link to the breastfeeding post - but only when I didn't include the thumbnail.

Strangely, after I posted both on Facebook and Twitter about being upset that my not-really-breastfeeding breastfeeding picture was being censored, the link and thumbnail reappeared a few hours later. Along with it there were now 15+ copies of the same link and thumbnail...all of the times I had tried to post it, but had been denied days prior.

I honestly have no idea what happened. Did someone report the post, and then later realize their mistake? Was it all a Facebook glitch? I'm hoping it is the latter, for obvious reasons. I can't imagine that any of you guys would report such a benign photo...

Thoughts? Does anyone know what actually happens when you report something on Facebook? Do they remove it until someone can take a look to see if it is actually offensive?

No post today

Well, I guess that isn't entirely true because this is, in fact, a new post. But, it wasn't the post I had planned.

I was going to post a whole slew of adorable pictures of Carina and talk about her development over the last 2 months - yes, 2...because I failed and forgot to do an 11 Month update. Oops.

But, after a sleepless night of screaming, fussing, and peeing all over the place (including on Daddy), I give up.

Good night, folks. Oh wait, I can't go back to sleep? Crap. Eff you, teething.

7 ways to flambe an annoying toy

(read: My pal Violet)

Dear Mommas of the blogosphere,

M here. In the past I’ve gone sappy and written posts about just how much I love our little peanut. Those sentiments have grown and every day I love her more and more. The other thing that has grown is my hatred for a certain purple singing puppy. Who couldn’t love a puppy you might ask? Hmmm..

ME.

Let this post be a warning to parents everywhere about the toys their children might love. Once your little ones love them, there is no going back. I was told in no uncertain terms that if Carina’s pal Violet did not make it to CT from WI during our move, I would be in a world of hurt. Why do I hate Violet? You can program her to sing your kid’s name and her favorite things. Except, instead of singing them, it has to load each subject and pauses, a la Will Ferrell in Elf making up a telegram for James Caan. Oh and its voice could peel paint off a wall.

So with this in mind, here is my list of 7 ways to flambé, roast, incinerate, and conflagrate your children’s annoying toys.

1) The Old School: Burning barrel, gasoline, match. Stand by the flames at night and you can warm yourself like a hobo in winter.

2) The Nerdy Chemist: If you aren’t me you probably can’t do this. Put said vexing fluffy puppy in a two inch deep 9 X 9 baking pan. Surround with about 50 grams of pure sodium metal shavings. Place your fancy casserole outside and fill the pan with water with the hose from 20 feet away. It should be pretty spectacular.

3) The Family Gathering: Parents are seated on the couch. You, the hubby and your LO are seated around her blocks and non-vexing toys playing and having a lovely time. Violet or a toy of your choice is sitting in her/his proper place. On top of the burning logs in the fireplace.

4) The Rocketeer: This one is self explanatory. You need about fifty bottle rockets, a guide-wire to ensure a vertical takeoff, some packing tape to secure the bottle rockets to your least favorite toy, and a big match.

5) The Gremlin: If any of you have seen Gremlins, this one is basically plagiarism. Put toy in microwave, set power to high, set timer to however long it freaking takes, and enjoy the show.

6) The Nerdy Chemist II: You need a burning barrel, hydrazine, and perchloric acid. Mix the hydrazine, perchloric acid, and your kiddo’s toy in the barrel (surrounded with ice – very important, this is rocket fuel, no joke, that you are making, and it will ignite if it warms up). Get 100 yards away and shoot the barrel with a hunting rifle. It will make it to orbit and take your annoying problem with it.

7) Going out with a bang: Stretch a huge balloon around the exterior of your kid’s toy (this would be my pick since I can do it next week if I want). Fill the balloon with approximately 1:1 hydrogen gas and oxygen gas. If the balloon were pure hydrogen it would burn in a lovely fireball. This nice mixture will, instead of the pure stuff, go off with bang and a shockwave that might break a window if you get within 20 feet of your house.


It's the Holiday season and I'm guessing your children might receive a couple of these obnoxious toys, so...you're welcome.

Apparently I'm scarring my kid for life

Carina is almost one (yikes!) and I "still" do these things:

• Breastfeed on demand
• Ride next to her in the car when M is driving
• Comfort nurse her when she is upset
• Stick to a routine instead of a schedule

I'm in the {slim} minority when it comes to most of these things, but it doesn't bother me. It works for us. And I'd like to point out that I enjoy riding next to her in the car; it's not that she needs me to be there with her. Ha, there I go again defending my parenting decisions.

But alas, according to many (including those who will imply it to my face) she is going to end up all sorts of messed up as a result. I tell them I think they're right. Look, it's already happening... ;)

CRAZY BABY

Carina is not impressed with your unfounded judgments

Do you "still" do anything that gets you the side-eye from other parents? How do you respond?

Losing Myself

So I had hoped that I would be feeling better by now. Instead I find myself slowly slipping away, becoming more unrecognizable by the day.

Carina wouldn't stop screaming yesterday morning when I stopped her from chewing on the TV remote control, and I just lost it. I put her in the crib with a few of her favorite toys and shut myself in my bedroom and cried.

Maybe she didn't like her giant plaid hairbow?

First I cried for her - she doesn't deserve an unhappy and apathetic Mommy.

Then I cried for me - I don't even know who I am anymore. I thought that staying home with her would fill my days with joy (and stress and poop, of course). I didn't think I'd feel like this. Am I just not cut out to be a stay at home Mom? Or is this all the result of our current circumstances?

Two weeks. We'll be out of here in two weeks. I hope I can wave goodbye to the me that I don't recognize as Carina and I board the plane to head back East.

I'm back (sort of)

We're back from our trip to New England to visit family and look for apartments in Connecticut in one piece! Well, mostly.

I'd love to tell you about meeting my squishy newborn nephew.

I'd really like to share details of some of the uninhabitable apartments we saw on Monday and the comedy of errors that plagued that day.

It would be great to perform a comedic tragic reenactment of our night in the hotel room with Carina during which she woke up every 20 minutes to scream and spit up.

BUT

I've been chasing Carina around all morning wiping snot off of her, myself, and almost every surface with which she has come in contact. She has her first cold, and her first fever :(

I need to fold the semi-wet laundry that just finished in the dryer because I don't have enough quarters to spin it again. Sorry M, all of your boxers are damp. Really lends a new meaning to swass, doesn't it? {yes, I really just said that}

I have to do the dishes in the sink because I swear I see something growing in the saucepan. I don't even want to know how many days it has been sitting there.

I'm e-mailing back and forth with the landlord of the apartment we want to rent, and have no idea if it is actually going to happen because they aren't sure if they'll close on their house before we want to move into their apartment.

SO

After I'm done with the aforementioned, I am going to break out the liter of Jose Cuervo in our bar and drink it straight out of the bottle. Cups {and waiting for 5 o'clock} are for pussies. Cheers.

I'll tell you all that and more soon, if I haven't checked myself into the looney bin yet ;)

Nom nom nom on the hotel crib

P.S. Thank you so much to all of my great guest posters!

P.P.S I just found a GIANT booger on the back of my hand. Awesome.

Why we aren't cloth diapering

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you might remember that we were so excited to use cloth diapers (or poop sacks, as M calls them) for Carina. We had an entire newborn stash and started using them as soon as they fit, when she was about 2 weeks old. Unfortunately her thighs were too tiny {which is hilarious, because now they are enormous!} so we had a major leakage problem. And shortly thereafter, a major ball was dropped on us; we would have to move out of our apartment complex when Carina was 3 months old...to a new place with community coin-op laundry.

Our stash, just waiting to be pooped in

We decided it would be too costly to continue cloth diapering ($5 total per load x 3-4 loads per week = crazy) so we are currently using disposables, at least until we move again. I'm glad we made this decision, because not only would it have been cost prohibitive, but I think I would have gone insane by now just from spending that much time in our laundry room.

It is the laundry room straight from the bowels of the underworld. There are four washers and four dryers, but on any given day, one of each is broken. Except that there is no "Out of order" sign on them. So I unknowingly load up the washer, put in detergent and money, then press start, only to have nothing happen. Dejectedly, I move all of my clothes to the next washer, put in more money and detergent, and cross my fingers that this one works.

Broken washers make me CRRYYYY

And even better, if someone stops a dryer prematurely and takes out their clothes, it will still only finish the remaining time on that person's cycle {even after you put your own money in it}. In order to tell if the previous cycle was stopped, you have to lean your ear close to a little box in the back of the dryer and listen. A repetitive clicking sound means it was stopped too soon. No clicking means you're good to do. WTF? I seriously have to do this every time before I load the dryer.

Last week I loaded and started the washer, only to have it fill with water but not start spinning. The maintenance guy came to help, deemed it broken, and told me I would have to take my clothes out and move them myself {soaking wet} into another washer. So I schlepped my sopping clothes to another washer, threw them in, and it wouldn't start. F*#% I am so done with this.

Who has a laundry nightmare story for me? :)

P.S. The first topic for the Toddle Along Tuesday blog hop (which will be returning this week) will be "Introduction". Link to an old or brand new post introducing your kid(s). Still pregnant? Have some fun with it and introduce your bump! Feel free to include photos, videos, whatever you'd like.