Verdict: revisited

Less than a month to go, and then I'll be home with these sweet faces all day long once again.

Well, they're almost always sweet ;)

I'm mostly excited, just one small part scared. I can't wait to have on demand snuggles again. I'm so happy to be able to finally start tot school (more on this soon). Now that the agoraphobia is gone I'm eager to get out with the girls more often. At the top of my list of things to do and places to go is story time at the local library, playdates with friends, and trips to the park. And dare I say I'm looking forward to the possibility of a "nap-while-they-nap" every once in a blue moon?

But I'm worried about my anxiety getting worse. While working has been more physically exhausting, it has been a much needed mental break for me. I think after 6 months, the verdict is the same: working and staying at home each have their pros and cons.

During my two stints as a working Mom I've been more tired and feel like I'm constantly trying to play catch up with housework and errands (I admit it: thank goodness for grocery delivery). We got take-out more often, I neglect to clip coupons or shop sales as faithfully as I did before, and we lapsed on the cloth diapers for a bit. We opted for disposables for the couple months leading up to potty training Carina. I just couldn't manage doing diaper laundry every other day.

BUT -- I love my job. It's fun, I get to use my brain, and help improve patient care throughout my local health system. And it certainly doesn't hurt that I get paid a buttload of money to do it. I will miss it and the break it afforded me. Being away from home has made me realize how mentally exhausting it is for me to be responsible for multiple people (in addition to myself) round the clock. I know that's what we sign on for when we become parents, I guess I just never anticipated that I would truly need a break on a regular basis.

So I'm still holding out hope that my consultant boss will be able to find me something part-time. I think two days a week would be my ideal situation. It would be the best of both worlds...more time with my little ladies and to make sure our home doesn't look like a scene out of Hoarders, but still a break to keep my sanity and some extra money in our pockets. Fingers crossed.

Recent happenings & parenting truths

Our lives are all over the place right now. We have no idea if I'll have a job 6 weeks from now or even where we'll be living in 6 Months. It's hard for me to cope with this degree of uncertainty, having been a super type-A compulsive planner my entire life, but I'm slowly learning to adapt. Marrying a relaxed type-B with an often and indefinitely unpredictable schedule has been a good lesson in patience and going with the flow. When my work plans became just as up in the air as his -- if not more -- it really threw me for a loop. Fingers crossed I hear back from my boss regarding a remote position that may have just opened up...

Oh yeah, I think I forgot to mention (until the previous paragraph) that we won't be renewing our lease on January 1st. We have completely outgrown our 2 bedroom apartment. It looks like a toddler tornado tore through our entire living space on a daily basis and we've had to move Aurelia back into our room so they don't continue to wake each other up during the night. We are desperate for sleep and for our bedroom back. Now that Mike has decided that he'll be applying for positions for the Fall of 2015, we realize it's too long to stay here and deal with it. So apartment hunting we will go. On our wish list are at least 3 bedrooms, preferably 4 (or 3 + an office or finished basement) and in-unit laundry.

And now for something completely different.

This week's parenting truths:

The moment you're thinking about how brilliant your baby is will be the moment she shovels a handful of cat food into her mouth.

Having only one toilet in your house while potty training results in 1. many long minutes of frustration and 2. super awesome kegel muscle control.

Speculating about the possibility of {someday} having a baby brother or another baby sister around a 2 year old is a bad idea: "MOMMY I WANNA BABY BRUDDER!"

Okay, Carina. We'll get right on that ;)

Back to basics & the truth about my lackadaisical blogging

I haven't yet been extended beyond my contract's current end date - September 27th. According to everyone on my team, they are lobbying for me to stay but apparently it's up to leadership and what the budget allows. My boss has been encouraging me to work as much as possible and since I'm hourly, I have obliged. 

The truth is...after living on such a tight budget for so long and knowing that the end of this infusion of money is in sight, I feel like a hoarder. I'm working as many hours as I can before it runs out. After the girls go to sleep, I open up the computer and work for an hour or two. When they're napping on the weekend, I work.

I'm tired. I want to blog, or relax, or clean (ha who am I kidding...I don't want to clean, but I need to) but I end up working instead. I think part of this anxiety driven because I can't entirely pinpoint what's making me feel this compulsion...

So yeah, I think it's pretty obvious I haven't been blogging much :)  I miss it and I'm having Twitter & Facebook withdrawal. I'm not able to get on during the workday and then since I've been absent, it seems overwhelming once I get home because I've missed so much. Working Moms who blog and spend time on Social Media, how do you manage this?

Another thing contributing to my anxiety is the business side of blogging. I'm getting rid of most of my ads leaving only a handful of small ones, and then the rest will be swaps. I love doing {free} swaps with you and welcome blogs of any size and type. Okay maybe not any type...those who detail their Karma Sutra exploits in graphic detail need not apply. Really, those blogs exist. I'm not even sure why I know that...

But I digress. I'm also still not taking on any further sponsored posts, but I have a few that I promised months ago (sorry!) that I haven't yet finished. So please bear with me while I get them done. I am so thankful for the opportunities that this blog has given me but it's time to focus on the girls and my {continued} progress on the anxiety front.

I'm looking forward to getting back to basics.

Weaning fail

No, not Aurelia.

Me. Zoloft.

I'm one of those obnoxious procrastinators who waits until their medication has run out before requesting a refill. After working as a Pharmacy Technician for years, you think I'd know better...but anyway, so I order it online and go to pick it up last Tuesday. Except they tell me there were no refills left so I'd have to come back. I requested they check the original prescription because I knew there were refills, but they couldn't because their computer system was down. Awesome.

So I forgot about it...one day, two days, three days. On Saturday I told myself that no matter what I had to go get it. And then we got sidetracked. Monday came around but hey, I thought to myself, I've been feeling pretty good. Maybe I could just stop taking it?

Well, here we are just over a week since I've had my last pill and today was the nail in the coffin on my attempt to let go of SSRIs. I've been anxious as work is beginning to demand more of my time than I'm able to give and people are pulling me in all sorts of different directions. Tonight I have to do a ton of laundry and pack us all up for our trip to visit my family in Cape Cod this weekend. And both girls won't stop screaming; it's almost 9 PM and they're both still awake, PISSED. I feel myself beginning to shake and panic and I know it was stupid of me to try this.

All I want to do is crawl in a hole and fall asleep...only to wake up on the beach this weekend where I will hopefully get the chance to relax. Nothing is going to stop me from swinging by the pharmacy and grabbing my prescription on the way out of town, though.

I so badly wanted to not need it, but I'm just not there yet. le sigh.

What I missed last Spring & Summer

The better I feel the more I'm slowly realizing that my anxiety {specifically the agoraphobia} may have predated Aurelia's arrival. Last Spring and Summer we didn't get out much. It would have been the perfect time to explore this new city and state we're living in, but we only made it to the park a couple times a week and that was it. I told myself it was because I was pregnant and tired, but in retrospect...that was my easy out.

This year? Nothing is going to stop me from enjoying everything: the fresh air, the sun, this city, my girls.

We went to the Peabody Museum at Yale on Saturday and Carina circled the dinosaur room over and over. She informed me that Brontosaurus is her favorite and that he says, "RAWR!!" She also enjoyed the butterflies, ants, and "YUCKY snakes!"

On Sunday we let the girls play outside while we cleaned up the yard. We also set up the girls' Christmas gift from their aunt -- a water and sand table. 

Helping Daddy

Almost finished!

All done!

I'm not so sure about the sand, though. We might fill it with something a little less messy since sand + water = mud, and Carina discovered mud this afternoon and practically bathed in it. Daddy wasn't quick enough ;)

Any ideas for what to put in the sand side?

Agoraphobia is as scary as it sounds

An extremely unwelcome visitor that accompanied my post-partum anxiety was a mild case of agoraphobia. I'm not sure if it was a side effect or a symptom, but either way, it was all too real and incapacitating. The psychiatrist I saw back in January encouraged me to try to overcome it as soon as I started feeling better.

For those who aren't familiar, agoraphobia (according to Merriam-Webster) is an abnormal fear of being helpless in an embarrassing or unescapable situation that is characterized especially by the avoidance of open or public places. Basically, for months, I've been afraid to leave the house. What was I scared of? I'm not even sure that I can delineate it. Maybe that I would encounter a situation that I wouldn't be able to handle (like a Carina tantrum coupled with a baby poopsplosion) and that I'd have an anxiety attack in public.

There have been times when I've realized that I haven't been outside (further than our front porch to get the mail) in a week. At one point, it reached 2 weeks. This was -- and still is -- horribly embarrassing for me, even though I know it stems from anxiety. I haven't always been this way.

I've avoided talking about it until now because I wanted to wait until I had conquered it. And today, I realized I have.

Previously, I would use any excuse not to go out:
Carina has the sniffles? Have to stay home.
It's raining. Meh...grocery shopping can wait.
Want to go for a walk, Carina? "NO!" Okay, nevermind.

This weekend, Mike wanted to go to New Haven's annual St. Patrick's Day Parade. I guess it's kind of a big deal, so I begrudgingly packed up my brand new diaper bag (eee!) and we headed out.

Double stroller time!

Walking by the Yale Library on our way to the parade

Up close

Waiting for the parade to start

Oh hai, Governor Malloy!

Adorable little boy in a kilt

Me. Happy.

I'm so glad we went; we had such an amazing time. Luck would have it that the girls would both fall asleep just minutes before we got back to the car...resulting in awesome 10 minute naps.

And then today, I asked Carina if she wanted to go for a walk. "NO!" She was quite adamant. But I wanted to go out. I needed to get out of the house. A small tantrum ensued as I put on her shoes {MOMMY TAKE THEM OFFFF} but once we got to Dunkin Donuts and I handed her one with green frosting and sprinkles, she was in heaven.

And I was, too. This week I was happy to be outside the comforting {yet confining} walls of home for the first couple instances in a long time.

All the things I'd rather be doing than blogging

As I've been feeling better and better lately when it comes to my anxiety, I have been experiencing something I never thought would happen...

Most days I don't feel like blogging. 

Since I no longer have the attention span of a toddler, I've been throwing myself into hobbies I've shelved for too long:

• Reading: I'm embarrassed to admit that prior to starting my anxiety medication, I had only read two books since before Carina was born...just after Christmas of 2010. Now, in the two short months since Christmas 2012 I have read five and I'm eager to read more. I think I'm going to splurge and use a little of our tax refund money to buy myself an e-reader. If you love yours, I'd appreciate your recommendations.
• Genealogy: 4 years ago (almost to the day!) Mike and I went to Montgomery County Court House in Norristown, Pennsylvania to obtain our marriage license. With it, they gave us a blank family tree on pretty paper. It inspired me to begin looking into our ancestry. I spent hours upon hours researching both of our families on the internet and was devastated when my computer crashed and I lost all of it. With the help of Ancestry.com, I'm getting back in the saddle and I've already found some really cool things about some of our ancestors. More to come on this soon!

Similarly, after a couple years of not being able to sit still through a whole hour long show, I'm enjoying watching TV with Mike again. We made it through almost all 3 seasons of Downton Abbey in about two weeks. We're also working on Fringe, which we abandoned near the beginning of Season 4 because it coincided with Mike's thesis defense and our move and we were crazy busy.

We're finally getting the remaining boxes unpacked, the apartment decorated, and Aurelia's crib set up in the nursery. Things are coming together. And I feel less and less like sitting in front of the computer screen, tapping away at the keyboard.

A handful of times over the last few years I've mentioned that blogging has been my saving grace, helping me to stay sane while things were otherwise {seemingly} falling apart. The more I reflect, I'm beginning to wonder if it has actually exacerbated my anxiety rather than alleviate it. Because the more I step away from the blog and social media, the happier I find myself. At least for now.

This definitely isn't a goodbye. I guess it's more of a I haven't been around as much and here's why. I'll still be writing, just probably less often.

In the grand scheme of things, I think having too much fun doing other things is a pretty good place to be.

Post-Partum Anxiety: How I knew something was wrong

When I first mentioned that I suspected I was dealing with post-partum anxiety, a few of you commented or reached out to me and said that you were experiencing similar symptoms but didn't realize it could possibly be something more than just a "frazzled Mom" feeling. It took me a while to admit to myself that something was wrong, too. I'd like to share with you how I came to the conclusion that something wasn't right, and what led me to finally get help.

Shortly after Aurelia was born I was on edge...all the time. A few examples of thoughts/feelings I was having compared to the "old me":

Pre-anxiety Mama G: might have a brief scary vision of the car careening off of a bridge while driving over a bridge
Now: similar crazy "what-if" scenarios invade my consciousness and drive me to work out elaborate escape plans in my head. I will agonize over said intricate escape plans for long after we've already driven over the bridge and will revisit them days and even weeks later.

Pre-anxiety Mama G: would temporarily become stressed when there is a lot to do around the house
Now: the sink is loaded with dishes, the floors need to be swept, and there are a few boxes from our move that still haven't been unpacked. I'm probably not going to take care of any of those things right now, instead I'll sit here for a half an hour stressing about all of it. Then, when I finally get started I can't stop until Mike forces me to go to sleep at a few minutes 'til midnight.

Pre-anxiety Mama G: not really a worrier
Now: every time that Mike leaves the house I worry that something will happen to him to the point that I actually feel sick to my stomach. Then I think about what we would do {would we move in with my parents?} and how we would survive emotionally and financially.

After not being able to fall asleep one night because I was trying to work out what I would do if a serial killer made me choose which family member I would save from him {OMG WHAT AM I TURNING INTO?} I finally realized that this was beyond normal. I felt crazy and worried that people would judge me or think I wasn't fit to be a Mother.

Luckily I remembered that a blogger I follow -- Jill from Baby Rabies -- had posted about Post-Partum Anxiety over a year ago. I reread her post...and it was as if she was inside my head. Everything she said she was suffering from and struggling with were the very same things with which I was afflicted. In her post she links to Postpartum Progress's list of Postpartum Depression & Postpartum Anxiety symptoms. I went down the list with an {unenthusiastic} "check!" after "check!" Almost all of them. I instantly felt better knowing that this was a sickness and that I hadn't lost myself or gone crazy after all. I knew I needed to get help, but I kept on delaying...

The last straw was my first panic attack. Even before it happened I knew I needed to get help, but I had been putting it off. After the anxiety attack, I just couldn't ignore it. It was no longer only in my head...it was screaming right in front of Mike and both of the girls. I sent a message to my doctor and a nurse called me the next business day with an {almost} immediate appointment. They take this seriously.


If you suspect you might be dealing with post-partum anxiety, please seek out help. You don't have to suffer alone like I did for so long. Please feel free to comment or e-mail me growingupgeeky at gmail if you have any questions or would like to chat <3

What a difference

The unabating on edge feeling I have had for so long is gone. I feel like I can breathe again. Relax again. It's freeing.

I'm enjoying the girls more. I'm actually getting things done around the house and it isn't stressing me out like it used to. I'm hopeful and happy most of the time whereas before, it was fleeting and few and far between.

The best way I can describe it is as if a huge weight has been lifted. Mike says that I am back to my old self, and added, "I feel like I hadn't seen you in a while." This makes me sad and glad at the same time. Glad, of course, to be back. Sad, though, that I waited so long to get help. Looking back at my feelings and behavior, I think it's likely that the anxiety started prior to Aurelia's birth -- not after it.

One side effect of my newfound repose is that I am feeling less and less like spending time on the internet. I try to sit down and write, but then Mike looks so snuggly on the other side of the couch or a bubble bath beckons. I'm enjoying reading again; I've read two books in the last week and a half after not reading any for almost a year. I just...I don't know. I think I'm tired of always being so plugged in.

With that, I think I'm off to stick some princesses in the refrigerator with my big girl. I'm not sure when we'll meet again, internet. And I'm okay with that.

I think the meds are working or else I would have lost my mind this weekend

Our weekend opened with one of those calls you dread getting: Mike's Grandfather was in surgery, and would not likely survive. We all but packed up to drive down to Philadelphia.

Then Friday evening I was notified by a reader about the creepy photo stealing and Facebook profile impersonating me. Upon viewing the fake profile for the first time my stomach instantly knotted and I thought I was going to lose my dinner all over the computer screen. Seeing my child being portrayed as someone else's elicited wrath within me I didn't know existed. When I saw the page that one of my friends referred to as "a shrine to murdered toddlers" with Carina's photo directly underneath all of the deceased children, I FREAKED. I went from angry to scared to a rather potent -- and if you were here in the room with us -- tangible combination of both.

Saturday morning Carina felt a little warm but I didn't think much of it. Later in the afternoon she became lethargic (which isn't like her at all) so I checked her temperature and was shocked to see 103.5 °F. She was miserable, wouldn't eat or drink, slept terribly, and was up at 3:30 AM Sunday morning and would not go back to sleep. Mike had to work, and the girls staggered their naps so I was awake from that ungodly hour onwards without a chance to nap.

Despite all that, I managed to keep my cool all weekend. There wasn't even a single instance when I felt really anxious. Mad, frustrated, upset, exhausted? Sure. But there was never any sense that I was going to lose it. So I conclude that the medication might be working?

And more good news all around: Mike's Grandfather made it through surgery and is recovering, Carina was feeling 100 times better today, and both the creepy Facebook page that had Carina's photo AND the impersonator profile are gone.

After your encouragement and some thinking I've decided not to be driven off. Instead? I'll be watermarking and will dish out some MOMMYSMASH to creepers.

So here's your obligatory super cute please-vote-for-me-on-Top-Baby-Blogs WATERMARKED photo. Pretty please click it (or the banner below) and me love you lone time. If you remember to vote daily I would love you even longer time ;)

P.S. Many of you asked how I found out about the Facebook creepiness. A reader told me. She heard about it from another blogger who was also impersonated. That blogger received a random comment on her blog telling her that it looked like someone had taken her photos. Just for fun...if you missed it, the admin of the page actually commented on my previous post...enjoy ;)

Therapy in an unexpected place

One of the issues I'm having associated with my anxiety is that I can't relax.

EVER.

Even when I'm sitting with Mike trying to watch a TV show my mind will begin to rehash my to-do list, agonize over whether or not I heard Carina cry out, or attempt to figure out our meal plan for the next week. A half-hour will pass and I'll have no idea what I just watched.

On Friday (the only day I haven't felt sick in the last 5*), Carina's favorite show, Super Why, came on at 9 AM. This is when I usually start up the computer, answer e-mails, catch up on blogs, etc. if the baby happens to be napping.

Instead, I scooped Carina up in my lap, nestled close to her, and breathed: in slowly, then out. She smelled of milk and Nutella and I felt myself begin to relax as she snuggled into me. With each inhale the intrusive thoughts left my mind and with each exhale I held her a little tighter. Soon my arm went numb. I ignored it.

I sat holding her close for a whole half hour without the many things that need to be done around the house running through my head or jumping up to check my iPhone or e-mail. I felt -- for the first time in a long time -- completely relaxed.

Peace

*I've been sick on and off for days now. I don't know whether it's side effects due to the new medication, or multiple stomach bugs? I'm just hoping it stops soon...

My Post-Partum Anxiety Treatment Plan

::breathe in::

Yesterday I saw a psychiatrist and worked out a plan for dealing with my post-partum anxiety.

::breathe out::

After I recounted all of my symptoms (which I'll describe in more detail at a later date) and family history, she told me that the things I'm experiencing are classic symptoms of anxiety. Our plan includes weekly sessions to discuss relaxation mechanisms and coping techniques and a low dose selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI). Yes, I had to type that all the way out because in my former life as a pharmacy technician it was my favorite class of drugs. Why? I have no idea...maybe because I filled prescriptions for them so often? :( Or maybe I just had a thing for that sad little pink ball who turns happy after taking one? (Anyone remember that commercial?) But I digress...sorry ;)

She put me on Zoloft which according to many sources is the "safest" for breastfeeding. However, she recommended that I pump for the first minute of each feed (before letting Aurelia nurse) and dump that first milk, which will have the highest concentration of the medication in it. Has anyone ever heard of doing this?

Say what, doc?

My self-imposed homework this week is to try to cut stressors out of my life so we are tackling the last of the boxes we still haven't unpacked from our move last year (yikes!) because CAN'T STAND CLUTTER and I'm gravitating away from blog posts that require me to post at a certain time (sponsored posts and Toddle Along Tuesday). Deadlines just aren't a good idea for me right now. I have to follow through with the sponsored posts I've already committed to, but won't be accepting any new ones. TAT will still go on as planned next week and we'll have one more the week after, but then there will be a break for I'm not sure how long. I hope you understand :)

Please bear with me as I start the journey to {hopefully} feeling better. Thanks for your support  <3


P.S. Part of me feels a little embarrassed announcing to the interwebz that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and am now on medication. Despite how far we've come, there is still so much of a stigma surrounding mental health issues in our society. If I can help even one person out there realize they need help or that they're not alone it's all worth it to me.

First Step: Getting Help

My mind is racing. I just started three different blog posts but don't have the energy to finish any of them. Aurelia's 3 Month post is already way late, Carina's 2 year post is getting there, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by how much I want to write about but just can't find the time.

I went to see my OB yesterday and she confirmed that I have post-partum anxiety. My blood pressure was higher than I've ever seen it before in my life and simply talking about my symptoms made me start crying and shaking and I don't ever want to feel this way again.

She gave me a referral to see a psychiatrist and I'm going this afternoon. Thanks to everyone for all of your supportive comments, messages, and e-mails. I'm sorry if I'm a bit delayed in getting back to you, but please know that I've read them all and appreciate it so much.

Here's to feeling better soon, hopefully?

Mommy's First Panic Attack

I was praying this day wouldn't come because I knew that if it did, there would be no possible way I could keep procrastinating. Despite knowing that something is not right with me, I still haven't called the doctor yet.

The day after Christmas we woke up early (before the girls were even up!) packed the car, and left Massachusetts for Philadelphia before 8 AM. We planned on stopping briefly at home in Connecticut to drop off the gifts we received from my family and load the trunk with the presents for Mike's family. We only encountered a little traffic right before reaching New Haven, which set us back about a half hour. No biggie; we were feeling pretty good at this point.

My riding buddy

Around 11 we left for Philly. No problems going over the George Washington Bridge in New York City - which is rare - but as soon as we drove into New Jersey on 95 traffic picked up. I checked the crappy new Maps app on my iPhone (can they please get rid of that?) and there was a red line all the way from Newark to Trenton. The app didn't even list 95 as one of our 3 best options. Ugh. We exited before 95 South turned into a parking lot but unfortunately Route 1 wasn't much better...stop lights every few blocks and either snow or freezing rain for the majority of the trip. Note: I sat in the backseat between the girls' car seats for the trip. I don't like sitting there, as it's so tight that I can barely move, but the anxiety that would ensue from me not being able to help either of them if they began crying (and continued, for an extended period of time) outweighs how much I loathe sitting in that tiny prison {for now}.

Right before we got back on a highway Carina threw up all over herself, the car seat, her favorite monkey, and a whole slew of other things that were hanging out in the backseat. The combination of the traffic, the prospect of being in the car for another few hours, the discomfort of sitting in the backseat, and then Carina blowing chunks everywhere...I lost it. I started shaking, hyperventilating, screaming, and crying. I had no control over myself. The epitome of a freak-out; I felt crazy. 

IRONY - she never took bottles as a baby

Mike held my hand until he was able to pull over a minute or so later. He changed Carina while I attempted to calm myself down. She asked me a handful of times, "Mommy okay?" and it broke my heart.

The rest of the trip included Aurelia projectile vomiting all over herself and at least an hour of incessant fussing and crying - both girls. Carina wanted milk but had already finished all we brought with us and neither sippy cup was clean. Luckily I had about 4 oz. of pumped breastmilk and a bottle handy. So...envision me, trying to keep a binky in Aurelia's mouth with one hand, and helping Carina drink breastmilk out of a bottle with the other as we cruised down the Pennsylvania Turnpike in the rain. I had a big drink when we finally arrived in Philly, at 4:30 PM.

I don't think we'll ever attempt to drive from Mass to Philly (or vice versa) in one shot again...at least not for a long time. It's not fair to the girls and to be truthful I just don't think I can handle it. I hate to think that my outburst and shaking scared them. I know I scared Mike, but am thankful he acted fast to get us pulled over. First stop when we get home next week? My doctor's office. I never want that to happen again, especially in front of the girls.

Unplugging

I didn't want to tell you like this, but it's probably the only way that this post will make sense...

I think I'm dealing with post-partum anxiety.

I had already been feeling crazy sporadically, but watching/reading the details about this tragedy is exacerbating the sense of foreboding that I haven't been able to shake lately.

So, I need to step away. From the internet, from the television, from anything that is currently speaking endlessly of murdered children, only 45 minutes away from me. I just can't handle it right now.

I'd like to clarify that this anxiety isn't something I'm struggling with constantly. I've actually been feeling pretty good lately, in general. It's random instances where these insane thoughts and nonsensical "what-if" scenarios pop into my head and consume me. Or these bouts of OMG MUSTDOEVERYTHING CANNOTSITDOWNEVER. This isn't me. I have never been like this or had these thoughts before and they are scaring me. I'm not going to get into too many details right now because I need to sort it out on my own first, but I just needed to let you know that I'll be unplugging for a while.

And of course my heart and prayers go out to the families and friends of the victims <3


P.S. I have my Toddle Along Tuesday post and few giveaways that are already written and scheduled for this week, so I will go ahead with those as planned. But otherwise I will be few and far between. So please forgive me if I don't answer your e-mails, tweets, comments, etc. right away.