Realizing I can't do it all

I'm tired. Really tired. Watching the kids all day long followed by working until 11 PM every night tired. This has been the story of the last month. Even the weekends have mostly been watching the girls while Mike works, and then working myself when he comes home.

Why am I torturing myself? I thought I could do it. But then the ~10 hour/week job turned into more like 20 hours/week…and then I realized the house was a dump. I could feel my anxiety coming back but had no time to do any of the things that help keep it at bay (read, do puzzles, just relax).

I don't have to can't be Supermom. It's not good for my mental, emotional, or physical (SO TIRED!) well-being.

So, I:

1. Hired a new part-time babysitter (a neighbor who is really flexible and the girls love her, woohoo!) She starts this week.

2. Started getting our groceries delivered. Whatever. You can judge.

3. Will be searching for a house cleaner this weekend.

The best part: now I can feel like the time I spend with the girls will be well-spent. I won't be ducking away for 5 minutes here and there to read and respond to work e-mails.

A close second: I cannot wait to have my nights back to myself. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK HERE I COME.

WebRep

currentVote

noRating

noWeight

Verdict: revisited

Less than a month to go, and then I'll be home with these sweet faces all day long once again.

Well, they're almost always sweet ;)

I'm mostly excited, just one small part scared. I can't wait to have on demand snuggles again. I'm so happy to be able to finally start tot school (more on this soon). Now that the agoraphobia is gone I'm eager to get out with the girls more often. At the top of my list of things to do and places to go is story time at the local library, playdates with friends, and trips to the park. And dare I say I'm looking forward to the possibility of a "nap-while-they-nap" every once in a blue moon?

But I'm worried about my anxiety getting worse. While working has been more physically exhausting, it has been a much needed mental break for me. I think after 6 months, the verdict is the same: working and staying at home each have their pros and cons.

During my two stints as a working Mom I've been more tired and feel like I'm constantly trying to play catch up with housework and errands (I admit it: thank goodness for grocery delivery). We got take-out more often, I neglect to clip coupons or shop sales as faithfully as I did before, and we lapsed on the cloth diapers for a bit. We opted for disposables for the couple months leading up to potty training Carina. I just couldn't manage doing diaper laundry every other day.

BUT -- I love my job. It's fun, I get to use my brain, and help improve patient care throughout my local health system. And it certainly doesn't hurt that I get paid a buttload of money to do it. I will miss it and the break it afforded me. Being away from home has made me realize how mentally exhausting it is for me to be responsible for multiple people (in addition to myself) round the clock. I know that's what we sign on for when we become parents, I guess I just never anticipated that I would truly need a break on a regular basis.

So I'm still holding out hope that my consultant boss will be able to find me something part-time. I think two days a week would be my ideal situation. It would be the best of both worlds...more time with my little ladies and to make sure our home doesn't look like a scene out of Hoarders, but still a break to keep my sanity and some extra money in our pockets. Fingers crossed.

Living for the weekends

Since beginning work, I've realized that I took advantage of my days at home. Partly due to the agoraphobia I'm sure, but also? I confess...I was lazy.

Days upon days to do anything and everything spread out before me, with no end in sight. There was no sense of urgency to make sure we did something fun each day. To hoard all the snuggles I could. To experience enough giggles and "Mommy I love you!"s and milk drunk boob-hugging naps.

I know I still get these things, but they're just in small doses until the weekend comes. I feel like I'm living for them now.

Last weekend:











Until the next one...

How My Day Was - As Illustrated by MS Paint

While taking care of 2 under 2 I experience days that make me feel like the best Mom ever, decent days, just okay days, and days where I want to crawl into a hole until my kids leave for college (okay not really, but you get the point). So here is a quick run down of what happens during each of those types of days, and what  sort of Mama G Mike comes home to in the evening.

SUPERMOM! Day

When Mike arrives home there is a culinary masterpiece waiting on the table, brownies baked for dessert, laundry folded, diapers stuffed, dishes done, toys put away, a blog post already written, and two happy and well-rested children along with a contented and AWESOME LOOKING (see right) Mommy. I feel great, empowered, and truly fulfilled. Okay now excuse me for a second while I go {sadly} laugh at the fact that this has happened only once in 10+ weeks but somehow I still hold myself to this ridiculous standard. I get frustrated that I just can't do all this every day.

Good Day 

No baked goods or blog posts to speak of, but when Mike arrives home we are all in good spirits with a crockpot dinner almost ready. I also had time to put on makeup, do something with my hair, and change into some real clothes (read: not pajamas or sweats). There are probably a couple chores left to do and an errant toy here or there but it doesn't look like hurricane Carina {oooh...yikes, too close?} went through the house. We're all happy, but maybe a little tired. We have more of these days; probably a few a week.

Okay Day

When Mike arrives home there are dishes in the sink and I probably didn't even bother with the {overflowing} laundry, but I did summon the strength to throw a frozen pizza in the oven. WIN. I managed to change into sweatpants, brush my hair, and slap on a little bit of eyeliner but other than that not much else gets done. There are toys strewn about the floor, part of Carina's lunch might be splattered on the wall, and I am tired. I breathe a huge sigh of relief when Mike walks in the door and pass him a kid {or two} and sit on my duff to zone out for a few minutes. I think I have one or two of these days a week.

GET ME OUT OF HERE Day 

Hours before Mike is supposed to arrive home I call begging him to please come home sooner for-the-love-of-all-that-is-holy or else I'm going to rip my hair out, shut myself in the bathroom, and eat an entire half gallon of ice cream. I'm still in my pajamas and doubt I've had a chance to put on deodorant. Both kids are probably screaming and/or angry at Mommy and the house is a complete dump. Like, so bad that WATCH OUT you just stepped in a fresh cat hairball. I wish these days were fewer and further between than they are, but I probably end up with one a week. I had three of them in a row a few weeks back and I thought I was going to have to be committed.

Which days do you have the most of? ;)

Don't think I'm cut out for this...

Growing up I was never certain of the career path I wanted to take. Even now, at 28 I'm still not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life. The only thing I've always known? That I wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom.

Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to admit that after getting my wish for almost a year now, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for it.

I was feeling this way back in November, shortly before Mike defended his thesis back in Wisconsin. I thought it was just a situational thing, with Mike's long hours and the seemingly endless packing. I did feel better for a while shortly after the move to Connecticut, but then Carina's failure to thrive issues and the oh-so-welcome pregnancy-induced fatigue began to take much of the joy out of my days. It became {and still is} a constant struggle trying to get her to eat. At this point? I'm so tired I don't have the energy to chase her around with food or get down on the floor and play with her. I feel like a lousy Mommy most of the time.

How all this makes me feel

So...I'm entertaining the idea of returning to work shortly after Aurelia arrives. My non-compete agreement from my old job expires in two months and I've been getting quite a few calls from recruiters. I have even had some promising interview calls. I'm hoping to find something part-time, but there doesn't seem to be much in my field that allows that. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.

I wish I could be happy being at home, and I feel like a failure that I can't :(

My attempt to end the SAHM vs. Working Mom debate

In Carina's short 9 months of life we've had a number of different arrangements. First, I was home with her all day for my 12 weeks of maternity leave. Then, I worked part-time for another 12 weeks. After that I worked full-time for just over 2 months. At the end of August I stopped working and am now with Carina all day every day, once again.

My conclusion after doing all three? Staying at home is definitely the hardest - for me.

For me.

Personally, I have found that working part-time is easiest. Just when I start to get frustrated/irritated/pooped on/screamed at I can hand her over to someone else. Perfect. Working full-time was harder - I was trying to do too much which resulted in me feeling like I wasn't being a good Mother, wife, or employee. But, I was able to converse with other adults on a daily basis and didn't have to be responsible for the needs of another person all the time.

Staying at home has been the hardest. Carina is only napping for a total of an hour a day {most days}, she cries when I put her down, and she would rather eat our cats' tails than table food. M is working on his thesis round the clock so I barely ever get a break. Each day is like a mini-struggle and sometimes I find myself counting down the hours until I can put her to sleep just so I can breathe. Mother of the year right here. This too shall pass, right? I know it's only a phase and will get better {hopefully}, but oh man in the meantime it is freaking hard. That said, I cherish the time I have with her. She giggles and it erases all of my frustration in the wake of hours of fussing.

Clean this up, Mommy. Oh, and there's another mess for you in my diaper.

My Mommy friends and I talk about staying-at-home and working quite often. Unfortunately, even the most benign conversations such as "how do you find time for yourself as a stay-at-home Mom?" or "how do you manage to stay on top of everything while working full-time?" somehow erupt into a debate about who has it harder.

It seems to me that the majority of Moms neglect to realize that we are all different. What I think is hard, you might think is a breeze. What challenges you, I might cruise through easily. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think there is a definitive verdict in this debate; it's personal. Working was easier for me, but it might be harder for you. Keep this in mind and encourage, appreciate, and celebrate your fellow Moms...rather than assume, condemn, and judge them. The former is more fun anyway, especially when wine is involved ;)

My first day as a full time Mom

Friday, August 26th marked my last day at work for what will probably be a long time. Since then, I have been home with Carina all day every day. I'll touch more upon how it's going in the broader sense later, for now I just want to share with you how my first day went.

7:00 - Carina wakes up and does the cutest little happy dance when I pick her up out of the crib. I bring her into our bed and feed her, taking my time instead of rushing this morning.

7:30  - Walk down the hallway to our apartment building's free breakfast. Sit and enjoy some coffee and donuts with M before he catches the bus to work.

8:00 - Play time! Blocks, My Pal Violet, abacus, pots and pans, stacky toy, you name it...we played with it.

8:30 - Nap time.

9:00 - No really, Carina, it's nap time. Feed her and try to put her down again.

9:30  - For serious, little one, go to sleep.  Caffeine from the coffee I drank starts giving me a stomach ache.

10:00 - Finally asleep.

10:30 - Carina wakes up ready for PLAY TIME! Jump jump jump in the Jumperoo until a foul smell permeates through the room. Carina screams as I change her diaper :(

11:00 - Practice crawling, standing, and walking. Read some stories. Have refuse some solids for lunch.

12:00 - Nurse then nap time.

12:30 - Please nap?

1:00 - Get the sleepless baby out of her crib and go for a walk.

2:00 - Nap success.

2:15 - Awake.  ::facepalm::  Nurse and then play time in her command center.

3:00 - Read some more stories and play around on the floor while Momma attempts to do some dishes.

4:00 - Nap time.  OMG you actually fell asleep YAY!  Plan dinner spend 45 minutes on Pinterest looking at food boards.

4:45 - Carina wakes up.  More fun time in the Jumperoo.  Nurse and then Momma starts dinner.

5:15 - Put Carina in the Bumbo right next to the kitchen so I can talk to her while I cook.  I know she is interested in hearing about the wonders of bacon.

5:45 - Dinner ready; M should be home at 6.

6:15 - No husband.  No answer on his phone either.  Feed Carina some solids.  She spits them out - all over her, and all over me.

6:30 - Start putting Carina to bed, still no husband.

6:45 - M calls; his boss held him hostage.  Will be home at 7:30.  Carina falls asleep, and not wanting to wait another 45 minutes, Momma eats cold dinner by herself.

7:30 - M finally gets home and I am ready to pass out.

Naps?  What are those?

I was so excited to have a family dinner on my first day staying home.  I felt so accomplished and productive that I had dinner ready and waiting for when M was going to arrive at home.  It shouldn't have been that big of a deal, but I was so upset that dinner went cold and I ate by myself...

In all, I was not anticipating that my first day would be this hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

What are your days like (both stay at home Moms and working Moms)?