Weaning of another kind

Not long ago I wrote about my failed attempt to wean off of Zoloft. I don't think I'll try that again for a while, but unfortunately another type of weaning has become a possibility; Aurelia doesn't want to nurse much anymore. She seems to prefer to gulp it down from a sippy cup. While this is surprising, considering how Carina was a boob fiend until she was 15 or so months old, what was more unforeseen was how completely okay with it I am.

Carina kicked the habit when she was 18 Months old because my milk mostly dried up (I was 6 months pregnant). I cried. I sobbed. Even knowing I'd be breastfeeding another baby in just 3 months and change, I was still devastated. I was so afraid our relationship would change.

This time? Meh. If anything, I'm kind of looking forward to being done. Pumping everyday has become a chore. I'm going to continue doing it until she turns 1 (three more months to go) because it's important to me that she gets a year of breastmilk, but there's no sadness at the prospect of not nursing her for much longer.

I'd rather have a beer ;)

I feel bad, though. Guilty. Why is it so different this time?

Now that I think about it...Aurelia has never nursed for comfort. She doesn't reach for my chest after falling down or bumping her head like Carina did. It's always been just food for her. And? After weaning Carina, our relationship continued on just the same. I think the fear that something would change contributed to how emotional I was prior to the end of my first nursing journey. Lastly, Aurelia is a great eater. She can't seem to shove food in her mouth fast enough. It's safe to say I'm not worried about her following in Carina's Failure to Thrive footprints.

I guess after more than 3 years straight of being pregnant and/or breastfeeding, the prospect of having my body to myself again is just a wee bit exciting.

Has anyone else felt differently about nursing the second time around?

Side effect of weaning: I'm in binky hell

Prior to weaning Carina, for the most part we restricted binky usage to naps, nighttime, and long car rides. We never had an issue with taking it out of her mouth when it was time for her to be done with it. Until now, of course.

Since she decided she no longer wanted to nurse, she has deemed binky her new best friend and wants it in her mouth round the clock. Try to take it out? Cue hysterical screaming fit. Hide it? She won't stop looking for that bad boy until she finds it herself - or you break down and give it back to her.

While she is only 18 Months and it certainly wouldn't be a big issue if we let her keep it for part of the day under normal circumstances, she WON'T FREAKING EAT when it's in. Failure to thrive + binky in mouth 24/7 = big, frustrating problem.

So today, we began day #1 of operation "binky stays in crib" because our tiny toddler needs to gain weight. So far? Lots of this:

And this:

Sidenote: No, these photos weren't taken today. I would be a cruel, cruel Mommy if I had taken pictures of her while in such utter distress. And? Those Cadbury Mini-Eggs in the back right corner of that bottom photo would definitely not have lasted this long past Easter ;)

So anyway, back to Binkygate: 2012. Needless to say, she has spent a lot of time in her crib today. Mike had some luck distracting her with dancing, and then her Super Why obsession paid off long enough for us to get dinner ready. Maybe we need to invest in a few new and exciting toys that will keep her mind off of her beloved binky's absence.

Did anyone experience something similar while weaning your little one from the binky? And/or what SUPER FUN toys can your toddler not get enough of lately? Momma needs all the help she can get, here. I almost gave in a few times today because I just couldn't handle the tears. And screaming. But mostly the screaming...I have quite the headache in its wake.

I wish I had known it was the last time

I posted on Saturday morning that Carina hadn't nursed upon waking up for the first time in 18 months. That night, I nursed her for about 30 seconds before she pulled off, looked up at me with her sweet toothy smile and proclaimed, "all done!"

All done she was. I haven't nursed her since.

The truth is? I'm sad for the moment (yep, tears are streaming down my face as I write this) but overall I'm happy to be done. I'll be leaving for the BlogHer conference at the beginning of August and will be away for 3 days. Weaning her on my own terms right before the conference was not something I wanted to have to do. Fortunately, she was ready to be done now, as evidenced by her not even asking for it once since we stopped. And I'm pretty sure there was no milk left anyway.

I'm so glad we were able to continue for another month after I started feeling touched out (by the way, thanks for telling me the term for that!) Cutting our feedings down to just morning and night really helped with that.

I just wish that I had known it was going to be the last time. Maybe I would have gotten more comfortable, snuggled her a little closer, and reminisced about how many hours upon hours we had spent, just like that, over the last 18 months. And how there wouldn't be any more.

As a friend reminded me yesterday, Aurelia will be happy to have my boobs all to herself ;)

So much fun she forgot to nurse

When we woke up at my sister's this morning, Carina was so excited to get out of bed and play with her cousins that she didn't nurse. And she was fine.

We're down to just about 1 minute or so before bed, and hopefully today will mark the end of our morning sessions. Surprisingly? I was fine, too. As much as I'll miss it, I am so ready to be done.

Busy playing. What? Crayons don't go in the pool?

I think we're nearing the end

And I can't stop crying about it.

For the last week or so, almost every time I nurse Carina it starts out okay but then begins to feel weird. Really weird. Gross, almost. I can't think of a better or more accurate way to describe it. I don't know why this is happening all of a sudden, as I've always loved breastfeeding. Maybe I'm drying up?

I've tried to power through it, but each time I find myself wishing and hoping she'll stop. I've had to cut her short a few times, shedding tears as she protests, fusses, and then cries herself.

How is she 17 months old already?

I'm sobbing now as I write. I didn't want it to end like this. I wanted her to be ready to wean, not clamoring to continue as I close myself off to her. I had visions of holding her tenderly as she nurses for the last time, but I'm afraid that we won't be blessed with that sort of moment of tranquility. As soon as she starts I'm just itching for her to finish. I feel like my body is literally rejecting breastfeeding any further at this point. And my heart is breaking.


Has anyone else experienced this? How did you decide to wean your baby?